i saw two of the girls i used to really admire.

bummer! ;)

Results day was yesterday.

The day before, i tried to busy myself so that i don't remember the time has finally come.

i was doomed.

i kept telling myself that whatever i'm gonna get, be thankful for He has better plan for me.

But still, part of me was hoping. really hoping that i did not screw up my STPM or i had wasted two years of my life up for nothing.

that feeling is just so indescribable.

results' day.

i was so reluctant to wake up knowing the tension, the excitement, all juggled up. was having diarrhea & the best thing was, few minutes before the clock strikes 12pm, i kept sneezing right up to 12pm. god forbid. i was so tension already. thought it was some kind of bad omens & was praying really hard this time.

Entered the school's gate. Damn. The day has come to be judged on my future; good or bad. so wanted to pee already. got the result's slip. tore it open & i did not have the guts to open yet. so many what ifs running through my mind. what's her name again, that MUET teacher gave me strength. finally with a deep breath, i flipped open the result's slip & was on cloud nine!

it was way much better than i have ever dared to dream for a million year. i just feel so blessed & thankful.

my mum was so darn happy. & i'm really glad that i make her feel proud at least.

i feel different today.

hello, i'm no longer a SPM holder, but STPM okay. basic salary should be rm1200 already. wow!

*sleepy. continue next day.

i just cant stop saying how happy i am right now.

*praying & thanking Him sincerely. hehe

i have this weird feeling again.

that he's not the one i'm gonna be with till the end of my time though i really wished we could.

i could love him so deep & the feeling is so real, yet something inside of me.. deep within.. my inner voice is telling me that we're never meant to be, although i don't know how true it is.

so anyway, today i meet up with my old friends. my two best friends. but it's funny how, we used to have so much to talk about, but today i didn't know what to say to them. i just kept quiet & listen. that's so not me. i don't feel comfortable, i have no idea why. eventhough i missed them so much that i feel we have so much to catch up with, but i didn't say much. things have changed. so much have changed. no matter how much i missed my past, life has to go on.

i thought we're inseparable back in primary school. but now we can live without each other. she has her life & i have mine. i even feel that i'm not good enough to be her friend at all, cos she's the cool type whilst i' the lame one. sighs

i have done wrong once.
please give me another chance to mend what's wrong.
sincerely pray to you. ;)

hello!

i'm back.

hehe.

need to revamp my whole house today & have got so much of cleaning to do. haven't even get started but feeling so sick already.

body not moving, but fingers keep dancing on the keyboard.

one thing i realize, & damn i hate my bad habit.

anywhere i go, i left my things everywhere. so forgetful.

that day forgotten to bring back my underwear, then my towel left in the bathroom & this time. i left my sanitary pad wrapped with the newspaper in other people's room. i'm so terrible.

teach me how to throw away this bad habit of mine.

now i'm done typing, eyes feeling heavy. so lazy.

god save me!

after a long chat with Nek today. i realize something myself.

i have nothing good to say at all once i open my mouth. cos all came out was pure complaints. that's it. i'm a real sucker.

sometimes i don't really know what's going on in my head that makes me say those words, but i don't wanna control what i'm about to say.

i say everything without thinking twice as long as it makes me feel better instead of keeping everything inside. i'm such an asshole.

sometimes i do get confused with myself. what do i want actually?

i'm so hard to be pleased.

so i cried again today.

i feel so lost. cos i don't know whom to talk to. everyone is asking me not to talk to anyone, but themselves. i'm confused. when i tell my sis, she's not gonna like what she hears & ended up having bad impression towards that person. if i tell him, he's not gonna understand what i'm saying anyway. but the funny thing is, everyone expecting me to tell them everything. when i do tell, the situation got worse.

i feel so weak. sometimes i feel like i'm the cause of every trouble.

Fcuking headache. I wished i could take out my brain for the night & let me sleep soundly instead of having so much thoughts in mind. It feels like hell & i couldn't stop crying.

The room feels cold tonight, i don't know why. Loneliness wrapped myself into emotional mood again.

Let me tell you what happened.

i seriously loathe her, the Witch. cos i can see & i'm 70% sure that she's envious of me, that's why she has got all the right reasons to shoot me. Sometimes i really don't wanna be bothered by what she's gona do to me, but i just can't be the angel me you see. i feel hatred. & i do have feelings alrite. today, she complained to me saying the cashier place was so messed up & asked me not to mess it again. right, funny. then, she asked me to wipe all the photo frames & i said the new staffs already wiped. instead, i helped to clean the Front Line. i was helping preparing the food & drinks in Front Line when the Witch thought she's so smart already asking "You can do it?" & of course she wanted to help, but maybe God is watching you see. the Witch couldn't help in the Front Line cos she's being called by the manager. God serves her right. when she saw me talking & laughing with the Supervisor, the staring that i got from her is unbearable. i don't like it. next when i'm cleaning & killing the cockroaches with the gloves on, the bitchy Witch asked me "Chan, help me send the drinks to that table" & i told her straight "I'm wearing gloves, why can't you send yourself?" & she said "that's the JJ manager. i scared get scolded" so smart of her to find a white mice. well, but one rotten apple doesn't spoil the whole basket of it. the rest of them are okay. i love working in kenny rogers, except when the Witch thinks she's above me & instructing me to do this & that.

enough of her. lots of people as usual. & guess what, for the first time in my life, i got RM13 as a tips from this Caucasian. he's real nice. i chatted with him a while, asking if he's on vacation & stuff like that. fullstop. but he's so generous. i was on cloud nine. but good thing doesn't last for long you see. during closing, the Manager told me "Chan, when you become cashier business is good huh?" i take it as a compliment. but guess what, the drawer short of RM46.30! that's alot of money & i seriously don't know what went wrong. so it dragged on til 12am & everything's settle cos the Manager is really good. She doesn't blame me but asked me to be extra careful next time. that's it. plus she told me "i don't simply pay when the amount it not right. sometimes, we have to see what kinda person they are & i know you are good, Chan. so don't feel guilty." you see, even an outsider understands how i feel & tried to make me feel better.

but you, you made me feel worse. you made me tear & you made me feel as if i had the worst night. you are not being the understanding you when i needed you. you made me hate you for what you've done to me. sometimes sorry doesn't cure when all is said & done. you can never undo what you have done to a person. it feels as if you have stabbed me right in the heart & the next thing you said to me was "i'm sorry. i never meant to hurt you". don't see things in your own perspective. yes, you are tired. i am tired. everyone is tired. but if you were in my situation, will you ever leave the manager in a pool of shit when it's your own fault. it's your responsibility to fix it. so don't tell me all the fcuking long winded theory of yours, cos i don't buy it. & if you have no patience for me anymore, so don't wait. just leave. i know how to take care of myself.

maybe it's still fresh in the memory that's why i'm feeling it so much now. but i don't care whether what i'm saying now is over emotional or if i know what i'm typing. i don't care anymore.

you make me rethink twice the decision i've made. sometimes i feel like you don't know me at all. you don't even know what i want at all. all you ever think of is what i should do according to you, because you are right & you are at the maturity level compared to me. that you feel as if there are things you should guide me & tell me what should do. but when things like this happen too often, i can't breathe. i feel like breaking free & just leave everything behind.

you make me doubt myself. why do i ever need a special one in my life? what's boyfriend for when all he does for me is to fetch me to work, taking care of my daily needs, & sorts like that when all i ever needed is someone to listen to me. give me his shoulder to lean on when i needed him most & to comfort me. if everything i'm about to say gonna worried me if he's gona like it anot. if i'm being my selfish self thinking that i can cry to you when all i got in return was a nitemare & heart breaks, what's the use? i'd rather choose not to risk in the game of love & guard my heart instead.

Mad Cow's Day

aloha.

such a long & tiring day for myself.

Just reached home not long ago.

When i got done, look at the clock. it's already past midnight.

so this is my day.

went back to school today to help out for literacy. Bro Matts asked to guide & briefed the Ministers on how the programme should run since all these newbies have zero knowledge on what's Literacy after all. oh btw, the Ministers that i mentioned were actually the teachers for my year. funny right, this year's batch they call 'emselves the Ministers. hahaa. during the game session, Mrs Yee joined us & can you imagine her running & chasing us? wow. really cekap i tell you. respect.

anyway, school is no longer so much of a school to me anymore. it's more like a prison, with rules & regulations everywhere. thank god i left school earlier, else gonna suffer as much as they do now.

the La Salle's gate was locked & even when i called the office, no one picked up. So i went back to canteen with my plate of fruits which i thought of spending them at first.

Saw Alien & so i spoke to him in alien's language & after that met up with my junior. lotsa catching up with her. but the funny thing is, those prefects are just by name. i don't see them doing much of a prefect's duty cos all i see is a statue standing, a statue eating & a statue talking. that's all about it. i asked my junior about prefecting & lots of complains i received. not just from her, but from other prefects as well. so teruk.

next is this new system, no pass, 2 demerits points given. given by the prefects. ha ha. funny. accumulated 30 or 50 points & the students are asked to see their parents. ha ha. funnier.

but one thing really surprising, since Leroy came today. i got to know that he & Benji gonna sell cakes, cupcakes or don't know whatever it is! ha ha. funniest. but i'm much anticipating to try their end products. gonna be different since it's the guys baking instead of the girls. must really try! wheee

done with the school, went to work straight. was damn tired already & dragging the time to pass when during dinner time around 7pm, that's the time when people starts coming in continuously. many Servers gone back & in the end left one Server, one cashier & two in Front Lines nie. damn kecoh. it was crazy. everyone was so busy that at one point i got really frustrated. i really have to say that some customers have brains like a pig.

there were at least two to three species of a pig.

one really good example, i sent the food to table 19, the guests requested for plates. okay fine. got it already, the same guests requested for refill. patience, fine. 3rd time, requested for chillis * bloody ass fine as well. & the fcuking 4th time, wanted extra gravy. at one point i really wanted to shoot that both couple & said "you two assholes, can't you ask everything at once instead of asking me to walk damn times. i've got better things to do you motherfather!" but of course, being in the service line you just gotta keep your damn tempered low & do whatever shits they tell you, cos customer's needs is our priority. damn

like it's not stressful enough. taken orders already, being called to help in Front Lines & the next moment i knew, someone shouted CASHIERRRRR. i feel like a puppet. so much of a stress. but like it's not enough, some people can ask really stupid questions. can't they think before they speak? sighs.

by right i'm having my lunch it's already 10pm. wanted to drink water also ended up cutting myself. sial btoi! gotta clean 14tables filled with dirty plates & glasses some more. can you imagine how tiring? but thank god today i'm not alone, so don't feel much cos get to sit down when calculating the money. & the best part was mopping the floor. usually i took at least 15minutes to mop, but tonight. less than 2 minutes & it's done. wakakakaa

hello hello.

i'm feeling superb!

today i'm suppose to be training for cashier. but since it's a blue monday, not many guests dined in. so i was getting bored of standing since what's not supposed to be wiped, i already wiped. what's not supposed to be cleaned, i've cleaned it as well. so i thought wanna help in the Front Line to prepare drinks since i'm going bananas already plus all the staffs having breaks except for me & the kitchen staffs. damn frustrating.

so i told the Restaurant Manager "Miss, can i help in preparing simple drinks ah. Don't know what to do now" & she replied saying "Go to the kitchen ask Abg Wan to prepare the food & you go prepare drinks".

see see, less than 3minutes, the Supervisor called me & said "Chan, come help in the Front Line. Pihak atasan suruh kamu belajar". Wow, i tell you. damn syok! if only you were there & looked at the Witch's expression. cos you know why? The Witch has been here for one month plus nie get the chance to learn Front Line but i'm only here for less than two weeks & given the green light by the manager to learn Front Line. so much satisfaction i don't know why. haha

preparing drinks all so far quite simple except for the don't know what blended drinks. ice two capsules, hot one capsule. then, mocha don't know have to put what, cappucino don't know mix with what already. confusing. while for food, it's quite easy to learn except when gotta prepare for the Seafood Fiesta. here comes the funny part, i've gotta learn how to cut the whole chicken & separate into quarter size. so the Supervisor said "potong biar ayam tue diagonal lepas tu bukak kangkang. tgn jgn atas sgt nanti air jatuh" you get the joke? the water from my armpits. kurang ajar btoi! LOL. there's certain methods used to cut the chicken & pour the juice out as well. wow! damn syok la. plus, the top & inner tray used to keep the original chicken, whilst the bottom & outter tray pulak for black pepper chicken. so complicated eh?

overall, wworking in Front Line is so much fun! i don't even wanna go back even when my shift is over cos it's really fun! but one thing, i'm afraid my arm gona be so muscular since cutting really requires hell lotsa energy. not easy woot!

& the Supervisor kept complimented me saying "Good Good. That's the way. Chan, you are a fast learner la". haha. of cos i learn fast, cos it's so fun! i kept wanting to try more.

but then again, i think i was being dumb you see. cos when the guest asked for refill, so happened i spotted a fly in the other guest's drink. so i asked if she doesn't mind i change a new drink for her. i poured the drink nie only realize, shit. it's a mango or an orange juice? so i put my head near the sink & smell it cos just poured away the juice nie apa. so unlucky, the Supervisor was looking at me & god forbid, she laughed so loud couldn't stop til she even sat on the floor & still laughing at me. i was laughing so hard till headache cos too embarrassed already. but it was a fun experience. hehe

yes, everything seems so fine at the moment. but part of me is really worried. cos i'm afraid all these are just temporary. when you climbed too fast, it's even easier for you to fall. & i believe many would like to see you fail instead of climbing above their heads no? i'd rather climb up slowly, but my conscious mind knew it exactly that i don't have much time to wait. ammma. xD

Rainy morning and i feel like dancing.

Today is mamakus birthday & as planned yesterday we went to her house to lepak.
Gosh, i miss her. i miss the other members as well.
like what the fat hippo said, it's true that i'm having deja vu too.
it feels like yesterday when we planned for a surprise for her too. but of course, everyone was there except for one or two. but today is only both of us.
somehow or rather, i feel sad. don't ask me why cos i cant answer you.
looking back at all the good times we had & now, so much has changed.
but today, i see a stronger Nabihah that i didn't notice before.
her menggedik attitude blend together with her lovely face, really melts my heart.
sometimes i do feel that i wanna be more like her. happy-go-lucky & sincere to herself.
i really had a great time laughing at their funny jokes though most of the time couldn't really catch what they saying. haah
time passed real fast when you spent time with quality people.
but something really embarrassing happened.
i fell down the stairs & got bruises on my hand.
what's really great about these two sakais, they laughed at me. kurang asam! haha

so, work is fine today. hell lotsa people & had to deal with some really lousy guests. overall, it was a sweaty day cos it's superb hot. hopefully one month later, you see me losing 2kilo & i'm happy already. ;)
oh btw, i did closing again today.
damn sad.
have to sweep & mop the entire dining hall. fyi, that dining hall is massively huge okay? kept sweating again. i was getting so frustrated already cos nobody helping me. the one suppose to be cleaning the hall with me went home half an hour early don't know what reason she told the manager. thus, left me alone cleaning & the rest at the back cleaning too. done with all that, gotta do table settings, wash the bloody sink, wipe this & that even washed the rubbish bin. i kept cursing myself cos at home i'm lazy to do house chores, but here gotta do everything. sighs. but one thing i really like about the people there is that no matter how tired or frustrating the situation gets, many of them still can joke & sing songs. when i see them, all my tension also gone already. gotta learn how to relax instead of being so stiff to myself all the time. anyway, when everything's done. it's already 11.30pm. so tired

so anyway, tomorrow & the next few days i'm training for cashier! wheee. in short, it means less walking, less sweaty & the plus point is that the cashier place is directly under the air cond!! so happy. haha. but my 3 days schedule, i have 2 days of closing. in another word, i gotta repeat the same frustrating routines again. alamak

11.42pm.

tired i am, sleep i shall.

so i had lunch with the fat hyppo in Wolley today. She makes me happy by just talking to her. Great isn't it? No matter how much i doubt myself at times, at least i know there's someone out there who thinks & acts like me. Ho. Ho.

Kenny Rogers was flooded with hell lots of people. I couldn't stop sweating. The blower fan is forever having problem one thing, second is the customer always like to sit at the dirty tables & forced us to clear the table first when there's so many food waiting to be served. Hectic! But it's better than having nothing to do at all but to stand like a stick waiting for the time to pass.

So of course, i have something good to share out that's why i made all the efforts to stay up til now to type this out. Such a bragger. haha

long story. but the past let's not mention anymore, we talk about what happened today okay? *smiling.

i was being my bubbly self, communicating with the guests & promoting our Seafood Fiesta since it's for a limited time only. I got used to repeating the same thing for the thousands times so of course in a way, i'm getting better in promoting the Seafood Fiesta. Out of 10 guests, at least 7 of them would want to try out the Seafood since i tried to convince them as if it's really tasty though i myself wouldn't spend rm19.90 for one bloody meal alone without drinks. Almost all the orders for Seafood Fiesta were from me, so out of sudden. the assistant manager called my name & told me "Chan, you bagus sgt la. You did a very good job". and so she called out all the other staffs to gather & told them "Korang must learn from Chan see how she promotes our food. She's a good example. Very good" & after that she taught them what to say to the guests. Wasai man, i feel so flattered! hehehe.

& one more minute before the clock strikes 12a.m, i wana wish my beloved mama; SITI NABIHAH a very happy becoming birthday! You are getting older! & i want you to know that i love you so much! *muacks

Come, come, my dearest. She's being furious now & bottled up everything is not the way. So please listen to this grandma as she writes. *coughing

hahahah

So this is her day. After three days of training without being PAID at all, plus 5th day at work including today; she finally was given the chance to be the cashier! cashier okay, not so much of a server already. wheee. so there's another girl, let's call her the Witch. The Witch asked "eh so fast become cashier already?" So the Grandma being her innocent self replied with a shrug & a big grin on her face without teeth of cos. The Grandma was so busy in the counter cos that's her first time anyway, so cannot afford to make any mistake at all. The Grandma started sensing something weird already or maybe that's her, she doesn't know. So the Grandma thought to herself "Please don't tell me, for that minor reason she wanted to get jealous or pissed off or whatsoever bad feeling it is because i'm the cashier today & you are the poor server".

Clock strikes 5pm, & the Grandma of cos heard funny sound in the stomach already. So she requested from the manager for a break to have her lunch since she clocks in at 11am today. Then, the Witch's friend sounded the Grandma "hey you Grandma, the Witch & me break now " SO the Grandma explained to the friend but with the feeling of guilt, she decided to give in & thought let the Witch to take her poisonous apple since the Witch already showing faces. Plus, her face is darker than a charcoal already. But a Warrior came in suddenly & said "No No. The Grandma should break now since she clocks in at 11am today instead of the Witch who clocks in at 1pm. Pity the Grandma". So all is said & done.

The Grandma being so stupid. i would use the word stupid to describe her cos she cared too much & being surrounded by guilts, she quickly rushed through her lunch in 10minutes time & so stupidly went to the Witch & told her "Come, i'll clean all these. You go have your lunch now" When all the Witch ever replied was "I'm fine with it" & the next thing the Grandma knew, was the Witch & the friend talking behind the Grandma's back. Being her normal self, the Grandma was so sad & heartbroken as usual. But something strange happened this time around, the Grandma saw a halo on her head through the mirror's reflection. (so lame. hahah) Something kept telling her that "No matter how hard you tried to be the best person you are, people still have bad things to say about you. Be yourself!" & it reminds her of the phrases she once read somewhere. It says something like,

Have you ever wondered why everyone loves babies? It's partly because babies don't care whether you like them or not. Babies; eat, scream, make noises, & they don't even give a puff!
Babies don't try to impress people. When you are a baby, you don't have to be cool or intelligent or whatever it is that you try to impress others with.
Isn't it fascinating? Babies don't care what we think about them; & we love them for it.
There is something to learn from this. Be yourself. This doesn't mean you have to be rude or selfish. It does mean there's such a thing as trying too hard.

So, the Grandma set her mind right & took a deep breath before she walked away with a smile pasted on her face. & surprisingly, the Grandma feels so much better. The power of your mind. When you keep telling yourself that you wanna be happy, eventually you feel the happiness in you. The positive attitude might not solve all the problems, but at least it does help.

Before the Grandma back to her treehouse, some Princes came to her & said "oh Grandma, i forgotten to tell you that you look sweet today!" & so the Grandma was smiling all the way with her eyes closed so together.

Bla Bla.. & so the story ends when the Grandma went to this Italy Cafe named Michael Angelos or something & had varieties of pizzas & spaghettis spared by her former boss. Stomach bloated & the Grandma is ready to sleep.

So long & goodnight everyone! May you have a wonderful tommorow :)