random thoughts..

seriously, i have no idea what kind of a person i have become.

i don't feel comfortable with myself.

i feel so.. scared. LOL

and i hate whatever i am doing right now.

everything doesn't seem to be in the right track.

i seems to be making a fool out of myself.

i don't wish to see the old me being overshadowed by the new person i don't want to be. NEVER!

suddenly, i get so serious and i'll get so tensed up. keep whining and complaining the whole day, and i'll become so timid.

i keet reminding myself; no pouting or whining about it in the meantime. It all happens for a reason. just get a life.

but still, i'm a human for heaven's sake. i have emotions you know. lol. maybe too much of it.

i'm aware that i don't have to answer to others why i am acting this way, i just have to answer to myself. but even so, i failed to do so.

what's wrong with this world, mama?

i have no self control.

and i screwed up my maths today. the only thing i can do now is to pray really hard. pray hard that i actually pass my test. oh my god. i'm just so so .. babi. haha


just recently, i found out that i hate a guy who doesn't look at girls nor talk to girls, but will only approach pretty girls. get what i'm trying to say? so you think you are that great that every girls will queue up for you like some cheap stakes? nobody has the rights to judge a person whether he is good looking or if she's ugly. you have the rights to say what you want to say, but please don't judge a person or despise them just because you think they're not good looking or yada yada yada. i think they're just beautiful, much better off without all the "you-think you-are-smart-enough-donkies" in the universe.

it's a mess

The past is over and cannot be changed. Today is the future i created yesterday and the future is where we are going to be!











*o be updated soon. haha

wags more, barks less

i don't mean to whine. but i just couldn't help it. i hate myself more and more each day.

i'm just..

screw myself la.

i should have talk less, cos i realized i'm setting myself on fire.

whatever it is, just do it and never ever say no before you even try.

and please stop eating so much la.

haha

out of curiosity,

why when a person in love, they said all the funny things?

all the sweetie pie, candy, marshmallow, notty, cutie, lou gong zai, love you forever or watever shits they were saying..

isnt it terryfing?

i'm having goosebumps now even to think about it.

yucks

The Bottom Line:
The weather forecast for your day, today, will include some fog, but you can help burn it off early if you keep a sunny disposition. Instead of letting the gray mood of grouchy folks turn you inward or sullen, let it be a challenge to you to be all the more cheerful.

OMG.

had a bad start this morning. everything just seemed so not right.
- slightly late to school, let's say three minutes? haha
- forgotten to bring rachel's blazer
- first day being independant without a senior. being bullied by the form 5's boy. he's rude. never mind about that. shame on us
- being fired by karu again. and one of the girls cried. but it was not as bad as how he scolded me for writing the letter long time ago. *hypothesis accepted; karu is a professor NUTS!
-eyes got swollen and itchifying. worse than a pig's head
- PS- graph, tables- everything written wrongly. second, third attempts, still wrong. whadda heck wea

as far as i'm concerned. when something bad happens, it's a sign of blessings. bad things may come to an end and followed by good things.

but earlier i was just so tensed up. i was so afraid that i'll screwed up for the second time. i tried to attract all the positive energies to my side. eventhough i did screwed up a little here and there, but it wasn't that bad after all. i think it was ok.

the best part is, this scarry person i'm so afraid of actually did smile.. like really alot! with one chirpy "BYE BYE", i think i've totally changed my impression towards him again; from my 'to-avoid-list', now changed to 'to-be-friend-list'.

one thing i noticed about one of my friend recently, i think i admire her ability to cope up with so many responsibilities, so many tasks, busy schedules and still come out as the boom! lots to be learned from her, and lots to learn about her actually. hehe

i hope it changes for the better tomorrow.. more to come. yehaa

When I Look in Your Eyes

headache.

probably because i ate too much to reduce my depression's hormones.
(i'm no longer a science student, so i don't even know which hormone is which)

anyway, i have this funny feeling . i slightly feel sad. he's leaving. very very soon. sigh. i think we're just not meant to be friends la. haha

what i see in a guy, i think i'll fall in love with a guy who has a pair of sparkling eyes wea! =)

and i phobic those not gentleman-like. how do you call yourself a man when you don't even bother to help the opposite sex when you see them in trouble?

two criteria i can't resist to say no:
1) gentleman
2) a pair of sparkling eyes

haha.

p/s: btw, it is supposed to be When You Look in My Eyes by Jonas Brothers

feeling so dead tired right now.

spent hours and hours reading my friends' blogs.

i feel so bad again. LOL. i don't know why. i feel bad simply because i'm so mean.

i have difficulties expressing myself again.

my english is getting from bad to worse. i seriously need to read more books to improve in my grammar. LOL

sometimes i wished i could be more like all the others expressing everything out without even have to bother what others think of yourself, but i just can't. i feel the need to keep things all to myself even though i have the urge to share with my friends. i need some privacy, i need a space for myself.

there are things i wished to share out, but i just can't. i'm a miserable person i know. i admit i am.

there are many things bothering me right now.

one of it which i'm really concerned about is my bloody increasing weight! haha.

soon i'll turn into a big fat pig with a big fat ass, which i already am. sigh.

i couldn't stop eating, which i frequent ask myself "What i'm craving for actually? Why i'm reacting this way?".

i said sayonara to puberty years back, but still..

the day before yesterday, i went out supper with my mum and her friend in wolley. the following day, i was having sorethroat and my eyes got swollen! there's a pimple on it or whatever they call it..i feel so miserable and my hips getting gedeboom. i feel so ashamed of myself, but i'm doing nothing to make a difference. shame on me.

small matter, stop making a big fuss about it.

hmm, and my brother soon will be leaving to god-knows-where. i feel disheartened.. NO, heavy hearted to be exact. i don't know what might happen in the future, but right now i'm worried for nothing. LOL. suddenly, i have the feeling that i'm so gonna miss him. miss quarrelling with him. miss being annoyed by his attitudes and bahlala.. and worried because i'm afraid he doesn't appreciate this last chance given to him. i don't want to see him fall. i don't know how to put all these in words.. i'm just feeling uneasy. you can have all the plans or maybe none at all, but if you don't have the actions, all the good intentions will go in vain. i just... go speechless. i don't wish to see the person he is now, i just want him to make mum proud. that's all.

bloody fool.

alright, i think i really need to shake my ass now.

HAHA

i realized i always have trouble getting started..
of how to start, where to begin with and what to write.

I'd changed to art stream couple of weeks ago.

i think i'm still having difficulties mixing with my new classmates. i don't know what's holding me back, but i just don't seem to be enjoying myself like i used to with my former classmates. all the fun and jokes we cracked, i don't get all these now.

i understand that i'm the one asking for it.

the people all are superb nice, to be honest. they're just too nice.

the problem is with me.

i've changed into a person i have never seen before. im a cow now. someone who's so serious all the time. (or maybe not.. only my illusion i guess) in fact, i was kinda shocked with the changes in me.

"Suk Wai, getting serious?"

i couldn't quite believe myself.

i have to accept the fact that all my close friends are separated far from me. in class, i don't know why but i don't feel like talking to anyone. all i wanted is; leave me alone.

but good thing is, i finally know how does it feel like once again to pay fully concentration in class which i hardly get this when i'm with friends.

life has taken its toll on me.

i used to have a bunch of friends hanging around all the time. at one point, i did not even know how it felt like if i don't have a friend at all.

but now in form six, all my best friends already left for college and my close friends, all are just too far away from me. sometimes, i feel empty. it is as if i've been chucked into an island, and i'm the only survivor. no friends. no accompanies. i feel pretty dumb about it because i have just noticed that i'm afraid of being alone. i hate the feeling where you want to do something, but just because you have no one to stand by you, you give up on it. being afraid you'll be laughed at.

whaddashit.

slowly, i'm learning. at the end of the day, i know i'll get back into the rhythm and have a good time interacting with them. it's all about the right timing now.

everything happened for a reason. i'm just so glad that all these happened. if it doesn't, i don't know what's going to happen. not only i'll get crappier, but my future will be at stake! haha

and i'm having trauma with this particular person. whenever i see him, if possible i just want to run away. never once in my lifetime have i encountered such a person where there's no smiley expression on his face. it's scarry. maybe just that i think he might need to exercise the muscles on his face, who knows aite it got cramps or something.

god forbid!

but i'm so ashamed of myself. when given a responsibility, i failed in my task. i failed to carry out even a simple task.

i hate myself for most of the things i've done for it wasn't appropriate at all. wrong action. wrong timing.

shoot.

i forgotten what to write.

You were not born a winner, and you were not born a loser. You are what you make yourself be.

- Lou Holtz