Pages

Saturday, September 29, 2007

sometimes i wonder if it's ma own fault that others treating me the way i dont' wish to be treated at.
funny when you are so sure of yourself, ended up you dont even know who you are anymore.
i'm not perfect. and i don't want to act like one.
i'm afraid of ma ownself when i see the true colour of maself which i never seemed to show it to the world.
i got confused thou
and i always thought when a girl in love, they're the happiest creature ever alive.
but.. i dont feel that way
i am not sure whether the feeling is true or if it's virtual..
but it hurts so badly..
i used to think egoistic people is cool, im like playin the hard-to-get game, but now i find it weird. i hate it.

heck, i have difficulties in expressing maself now

Friday, September 28, 2007

i believe everything happened for a reason.
i really do believe in the existence of God now.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Allow Your Own Inner Light to Guide You

There comes a time when you must stand alone.

You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.

You must be willing to make sacrifices.

You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.

Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.

There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.

Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.

Be confident enough that you won't settle for a compromise just to get by.

Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.

Don't stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

i feel so guilty and i feel so bad. i have got all the tips sent to me, but still i was like nevermind. trials only. i'll go all out in ma real SPM. today was ma chemistry paper. seriously, i didn't even touch ma chemistry book. not even last minute preparation. i wanted to tell ma friends that, but what's the point of telling when others won't even care and they might just get irritated. c'monla. who'll believe such nonsense, you didn't study? you're tryna tell the whole world that you didn't study yet still can score in the subjects. i don't know what is holding me back; may it be because there's left roughly about 2 more papers to go, that's why I'm acting this way or maybe because i really don't care. i don't know.
but i was so lucky. the questions that came out was exactly the amount of things i read in ma book. i hope this is not the end of it, may it stick with me till ma SPM, then i am one of the luckiest ass ever!
sometimes,, i find it extremely weird. it is like why when you really give all out, try your best to get the thing you desire, you wont get it whereas when you seriously don't give a damn about it, and you don't even have to put in any effort, but you'll get the thing. funny isn't it?

owhh..currently, i seriously hated the way she boasted. i hate it when she said 'owh. you have to thank me coz i give you the tips. it's because of me.'
c'monlah. i dont know, but before that i was so thankful that she gave me the tips, and i wanted to tell her that. but when i was about to say it, she boasted like some kind of proud chick. i hate it! i hate it!

what i learn, one's gotta be really carefully with what they speak. i know ma mouth stink, i'll try to brush it more often with colgate

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

another thing proven

Your Inner Blood Type is Type A

You seem cool and collected, though a bit shy.
You are highly driven and a perfectionist, but that's a side you keep to yourself.
Creative and artistic, you are a very unique person who doesn't quite fit in.
People accept you more than you realize, seeing you as trustworthy and loyal.

You are most compatible with: A and AB

Famous Type A's: Britney Spears and Hilter
What's Your Inner Blood Type?


Now i finally trust the DNA report. They said i have a blood group A+, and this quiz.. lol.. funny

one desire.one dream.one destiny


the title best describes what i want to write now.

i don't know how and why, but it strikes me today.

i want to travel! i want to get out of this holy place! i need a break! and i want to go to Japan!!

out of nowhere, i have this thought of going somewhere far and seriously i need a long break after studying for like since-don't-know-when-ming's dynasty-i-guess. it's time to spread ma wings right after ma SPM exams!

i was so happy discussing with ma friend about it and i even phoned ma mum's god daughter, (who is actually ma god sista as well) to ask for her opinions. the first thing she said was


" It's good you have such planning. For now concentrate in your studies, then grab any chance to work and finally reward yourself with a trip. Set your mind, and go all out for it. i'll support you. "



it's good to know that someone is there for you and support you. but then, when you are about to spread your wings, someone comes and breaks your wing. what hurts the most is the one you thought would have supported you ended up being so passive about it.


"LOL. Waa, stop dreaming so big la"

The moment i stared at her and said " i'm using ma own money, why can't i go japan? i'm not dreaming. i'll make sure it'll turn into a reality. just wait and see."

BANG.

i could see her expression changed from 0 to 360 degrees! instead of finding it funny, she was so guilty! HAHA

i'm not blabbering nonsense here. can't she believe that it is possibly true i might achieve what i want in the future? c'monla, have faith in me. maybe i used to be a spoilt brat, but not anymore. i'm 17, for heaven sake and after years of learning the rules of life, i think i'm strong enough to stand on ma own small feet. why can't she let me try, for once?

i hate it when she keeps complaining about me not being matured enough to take up responsibility, but when i really did try, she refused to let me go being afraid i might not be able to cope up with it. her intention was good, but that's not the way. i would never learn then.

i've set ma mind. by hook or by crook, next year april i must go japan. i don't care if i have to sacrifice not buying a handphone or not going for the kem cabaran. or whether i have to starve maself in school or to help ma mum in the stall every weekend. as long as i get the paid and collect the amount of money i want, that's it!

the experience is something worth sacrificing for. besides, i can prove one thing to ma mum, i'm not only good in talk the talk, but i'm determined to walk the talk. if there's such thing as walk the walk, i'm going to prove to all you who said i can't. besides, i need to work on ma diet. graduation coming! i have to lose weight. i MUST lose weight! =)



there's one thing i love most about ma sista. she's the most understanding person and no matter what ma decision is, she'll support me. besides, she often do things at the appropriate time and she's the most loving sista ever!

i just cant wait to grow up and repay ma family with the best thing i could afford, for they deserve it!



Quotes to share: Following our dreams almost always requires us to take chances. There is no guarantee that we will succeed in our venture. But if we don't try, we will never know how far we can go.

You can if you think you can- board of wisdom 5/9/07

word of d day: benevolent =)

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Friendship for granted

Funny how the one that care, you take for granted.
Funny how the one that you care, take you for granted.

Funny to admit someone love you unconditionally, and yet you do not know how to appreciate it at all.
Funny to admit someone you love unconditionally, and yet he does not know how to appreciate it at all.

Life is a circle. what you do to others, you'll get it back in the end. Trust me.

Funny how i used to have a friend, let's name her
achOo who might be the only person that truly cares for me and yet i find her annoying. i used to. i did not appreciate her existence coz i thought she was some kind of freak who has got no life besides bugging ma life 24/7. How narrow minded was i? Back then, i did not know it was love. What it was like to care for someone and not expecting any in return. Now i know. i really know.

Many times in life, we gotta experience
and been thru the situation ourself to truly understand how it feels like when someone said I'm hurt. I'm heartbroken and I'm in despair.

Funny to admit i cared for a friend more than i could ever imagine. She's the only girl i treated more than a sister. Someone i don't mind sacrifice all ma time and energy just to be there for her. I'm not obsessed with her, although i thought i was.

NO! I AM NOT!

i told maself, if i keep believing in it, eventually she would treat me like how i treated her. i acted completely foolish in front of her; just like a small girl craving for the parents' attention. All i asked of her was to spend a lil' time of hers on me; and yet..

funny..

Maybe i cared too much..
and i expected too much..

I'm tired. really tired of giving and not receiving any in return. i just want someone to show his appreciation; that all the efforts i've done all this while does not go in vain. that i'm being appreciated. i want to be loved. i want to have the attentions of all the people i care for. i don't care if i acted like a small kid whining and making a fuss when the parents rejected all her insane' requests. maybe i am selfish. i ain't
achOo. and i'll never be her. she's the most selfless friend i've ever met and i'm indeed one of the luckiest person to have her as my friend, till today.

God is fair. He knew i've lost too much in life, that i cant afford to lose anymore. i can't resist the existence of God, even though i tried not to believe in it. But He did prove to me and showed me- the real wonders of the world. =)

i read this sumwhere;

NOBODY IS PERFECT UNTIL YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM.

When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form......flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship.

Under all this, the pillar of true love stands......and that's our life. Love, not words win arguments...

Sometimes we expect far too much of the people around us, and because no one can ever live up to those expectations, we are almost always disappointed.

Wouldn't it be better if we just let go, and let people be who they are? Then we'd be able to see them as they are -- with all their beauty and goodness in which we take joy, and with all their faults which we can also see in ourselves.

When we have put someone up on a pedestal, sculpturing them to fit our needs and desires by smoothing out the rough edges and creating new curves here and there, we cannot see the real person underneath our work. All we see is the illusion we have created. That is denying the person's real identity and is disrespectful.

It's much better for our friends and for ourselves if we drop our expectations and illusions, and accept them all just the way they are.

Whether we realize it or not, everyone we know is very special to us.

The most important thing to remember is... Always appreciate the friends that you have.

A fight may come and go very easily, but a friendship could last forever.

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

i've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there's always two sides.

i've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person i want to be.

i've learned that it's alot easier to react than it is to stop and think.

i've learned that you either control your attitude, or it controls you.

i've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had,
and what you've learned from them, than how many birthdays you've celebrated.

i've learned that quality is more important than quality when it comes to friends.

i've learned that it isn't enough to be forgiven by others.
sometimes you just have to learn how to forgive yourself.

i've learned that no matter how badly your heart is broken, the world won't stop for you.

i've learned that backgrounds and circumstances might have influenced who you are,
but we are responsible for the people we become.

i've learned that you can't make somebody love you.
all you can do is be somebody who can be loved.

i've learned that the word 'love' has many meanings, but it loses value when over-used.
and most importantly,
i've learned that no matter how old or wise you think you are, life never stops teaching.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Lots of events happened recently, that makes me realized so many things which i never seemed to bother at all.

How to put it in words..

I kind of having a row with ma friend which is the weirdest thing of all. I mean, it's just a simple issue but heck, we're no longer talking to each other. funny aite? I'm so tired being the one moving the first step, apologizing. sumhow i learnt not to retreat if it's not ma fault, in any sense. when you're being soft, others labelled you with all kind of names. but if you dont, they said you're a real meanie and hated you for that.

sumtimes i wish others be more like me, and less like them...

but i dont wish to see another clone of me either.

I'm sick of all the sweet promises, coz it is meant to be broken. i have friends promised me with everything, but when i need someone just to be there to listen to all ma doubts. i can count 'em with one finger. when you are in the deepest valley, you know how magnificent it is when you're on top of the world.

sometimes what you think it is ought to be a total different thing if you choose to speak your mind. ma friend once said Telling the truth is a loving act; till today i still stick with this principle coz i find many truths in the saying.

Seriously, i once thought i have no one to talk to. i was so depressed that i almost give up the term 'friendship'. what are friends for when in times of need they vanish in thin air? I chose to confess everything out and set ma mind that after today, i would stop giving and sharing. and who give a damn if i have no friends. i could care less what others gona say or to think about me.
When i really confessed everything out;

I WAS WRONG! COMPLETELY WRONG

there's still many peeps that truly care for you, just the matter of whether they know it or not. and that's where i realized the power of confession. how could i be so self-centred expecting ma friends MUST be there for me..

personally, i do think if they know you're having doubts and yet pretending they know nothing at all, it's time to reconsider what kind of friend you should grade 'em.

Maybe i should just keep ma expectations lower, and accept the fact that not everyone is lucky enough to found a best friend. and I'm not sure of maself, but i do think i found two. they don't happen to be there when i need them just like when they need someone to stand firm with 'em, i failed to be there. but i can say Indeh and Ain, both make a difference in ma life. The miraculous beauty of this friendships is something i'll hold on to.

But i guess there's some truth which is best not to be spoken out. it's best to remain as a secret. it's funny how i used to think maself as the kinda girl who'll say whatever in ma mind not bothering others' feelings, for if i dont say everything out, i feel bad for maself.

i remember i make two of ma closest friends cried because of some stupid truths which i thought they should know. Ended up, i screwed up everything.

and i even confessed to a friend about ma feelings. what i thought supposed to be turned up exactly the opposite. our friendship partially ruined because of this. if only i could take back what i said.

all this while, whatever i hope for i would definitely get it. maybe i take this privilege for granted, i never seemed to understand how it feels like to be rejected. now i've been through it, for the first time i know how it feels like to be heartbroken.

i think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision.