Dear December,

I'm exhausted already. 

Pls strengthen my soul to endure the remaining 24 days. 

I wouldn't say it's tough, but it's not easy either. It's tough when you are trying your best to do the right things, but adversity sets in to test your strength. To see how far you can withstand the pressure. 

Today is one of those days where I have completely lose my temper on people. The usual patience & timid self has disappeared. I seriously couldn't stand how a person could be so superb thick skin lying straight to my face. I hate it! 

& I even hate it when I myself was being indecisive seeking for other people's opinion of the decision that I was about to make, but I hated the opinion of others. 

CHAN SUK WAI WHEN WILL YOU EVER LEARN TO TRUST IN YOUR SELF? That you are truly capable to do the right thing, in the right way, for the right reason? 

Choice. Yours is speaking to you now as you read these words. Sure, there have been times when I caved and listened to others—many times. And I can think of the disasters that followed from not listening to my voice. 

It's okay. Everyday is still a learning day. You tried & you made mistake, just make sure don't commit the same mistake twice okay? Be a wiser person today!

Great. Goodnight already!

A tree is happy wherever it grows. It doesn’t secretly wish to sprout legs and run off to some other more happening part of the forest. (Robert Frost wrote a pretty great poem on this subject.)

In Buddhism, they call this patient acceptance.

Life happens in spite of your wishes. This is the nature of all things. When I began to accept this, my frustrations started to melt away.

When you can see yourself as a part of that nature, not separate from it, and start behaving as nature does, you will become more peaceful.

I’ve learned to embrace the work now.

I just don’t worry so much any more about how it all turns out.

It all turns out fine.

Dear November

Here I am writing to you..

Instead of indulging on the negative, I choose to look at things in the positive light. 

All these mistakes made today, will be a valuable lesson to make me a tougher person. 

& I do not want to change in order to fit in. 

I choose to be my authentic self. 

Yes, being too honest may backfire me in the end, but I don't wana live with so many doubts & regrets for not being able to be honest with my self. 

DIGNITY

It means a belief in oneself,

That one is worthy of the best. 

It means that what I have to say is important,

& I will say it when it's important for me to say it. 

Dignity really means that I deserve the best treatment I can receive. 

& that I have the responsibility to give the best treatment I can to other people. 

Dreams.

I miss traveling. 

I miss discovering new places and meeting new people. 

It never fails to fascinate me. 

But I understand, I need to have a fixed incomes in order for me to pursue traveling. 

For now, I'll endure the remaining 18 months and try to learn as much as I can, while trying to save as much as I can. 

After that, I'll see what life has to offer me. 

Putting aside the commitments that I have with me now, I really hope that one day I'll be able to do what I really love doing and having to live the life of my dream. 

I haven't been everywhere, but it's definitely on my list. :D

😁

You see, I'm a very very stubborn person. 

Sometimes, I hate myself for being this stubborn when I really want to do something. 

Other time, I give up way too easily when I don't have the passion in doing something. 

So contradict. 

I have been trying hard to upload this sunset picture using my laptop, but the broadband fails me. To cut long story short, it didn't work out as planned. I should have gone to sleep, but I wanted it to be posted up now. 😪

Thoughts

I always have this fear in me. 

The fear of having regrets in life.

As much as I tried to control myself, I have a very lousy temper. 

Impatience towards my mum.

Oh gosh, I hate this.

But it's so hard to control at times.

When the night arrives, that's when I broke down so often. 

Afraid that it'll be too late for me to appreciate my mum, to be more patience with her. To not take her for granted. 

I don't wanna live another day with regrets anymore.

God, pls let my mum knows that I love her oh-so very much. Hehe

Hmmmph

I often have a hard time suppressing my feelings. Cos my emotions are always etched across my face for the world to see. I don't wanna do that anymore because it's tiring to have to explain myself over and over again because of some misunderstanding caused by my big mouth. I have to practice being more discreet. 

I guess, the very reason I stopped sharing also is because, people are too quick to judge without trying to understand why I'm even doing what I do. 

Sometimes it's even more so frustrating when I have to resolve an issue by raising my voice and being harsh only they'll stopped being so nonsensical and listened to me. What's the point when both parties are already hurt? I'm tired. I don't wanna try too hard in making others to understand me anymore. Sometimes, the best response is no response at all. As long as I'm being true to myself, that's all that matters, no?

Feeling good!

Criticisms after another. The decision that I have made, many might say I am immature still, that I don't think thoroughly enough. Yup, they may be right, but I figure out nobody knows how to live my life better than I do. 

It may be a wrong choice, but as long as I don't regret, I don't think that's bad, after all I'll be the one living up with the consequences of my choice.

People have their rights to opinions, it's up to me how much I am willing to listen. Surprisingly, I'm better in handling criticisms now, for I know, they care, that's why they even bother to waste their time to explain so much to me. 

Yet, I know very clearly what I want, so their criticisms don't hurt me anymore. I filter what I think is acceptable and what is not. I guess this is known as selective listening. Hehe

Feeling Meh!

In the pursuit of achieving what I want in life, I have had many challenges and obstacles thrown at me. At one point, I do feel like giving up.

& I always thought that one of my greatest weaknesses is my stubbornness. Stubborn is labelled as being selfish too, to some.  I tried to change, but I failed to do so.

But the way I see it now, being stubborn helps me to persevere and to not give up easily when things go wrong. Be it a good or a poor choice, for the least, I have no regrets, for I know, I have tried. When I have not fought enough for what I strongly believe in, that's when I regret the most. There's always the question of "What If?" that haunts me.

Now it appears to me again that, I might have made the wrong decision, for being too rush in my judgment . Everything is going upside down now and it's enough to drive me insane already. But let me tell you, I will persevere.

I remember reading something on the pursuit of happiness, that, when people throws bricks at you, build a castle instead & that the word "adventure" has just gotten overused. For me, adventure is when everything goes wrong, that's when the fun part begins!

#trying-to-be-all-positive-&-hope-it-helps-lol

P/s: I actually googled the meaning of "meh" and this is what I found in urban dictionary.com:

Meh is a word you use when you arent ok, but you arent too bad either and you dont really wanna talk about it cus you aint in the mood lol!

Carrots, Eggs or Coffee? Which One Are YOU

Grandmother says... Carrots, Eggs, or Coffee; "Which are you?"

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft.She then asked her to take an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked. "What's the point,grandmother?"

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her granddaughter.

"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

---AUTHOR UNKNOWN —

Internship Journey..

This is the first time I ever talked about it.

My internship journey is coming to an end soon.

Reading at my old posts, I remember how anxious I was not knowing if I got accepted. Now that I'm about to say goodbye to this place, I started to have mixed feelings.

5 months have passed, I wouldn't say it's a long time neither it's a short period of time.

If you asked me, how do I feel now? I'll answer

"I am very very proud of what I have achieved so far & I deserve a pat on the shoulder for the job well done. No regrets so far"

This phase was not easy for me. I have met with many unfriendly and nasty people be it at work or at home, & was forced to adapt to this cruel reality. Yup, the reality. No more in my fantasy-land where I dreamed of only good people. That people are kind by nature. ha ha

Now I'm really proud to see how much I have grown over the past months.

In this short period of time, I have learned few very important lessons.

That is, by learning how to love yourself first. Only then, will you be able to treat yourself well with the respect that you deserve. You'll fight to protect yourself because you know, you deserve so much more.

Secondly, not everyone you meet is gonna be your friend.
No matter how rude they can be, just walk away
don't fight fire with fire. It will not work
& it only shows that you are no different from them.
This is something that I strongly believe, that is to mind your manners.
If people are rude to you, let them be.
Treat them with respect and manners still, because it only prove how low they can be.
Forgive them anyway.

That is when you forgive and live with a positive mind that, there's no problem ever too big for a person to handle. It's all in the mind. When you choose to look at things from the positive lens, life is so much easier to live. Trust me

Having said that, do not be afraid to speak your mind if deemed necessary. I have came across few trainees where they were being bullied and exploited, but they dared not say a word. What they do best is to complain, complain and more complains. What's the point?

You know what I did?
When I am certain this person is bullying me, I tell myself. It's okay. The more I do, the more I'll be able to learn. Do it anyway.
But when you know you have been exploited, being forced into doing something & you know you can't take it anymore. Speak your mind. & fight for your rights. Just don't be afraid.
& you know what's the outcome to such action?
I was not forced into doing something anymore.
but I was labelled as a trouble-maker by one of the supervisors.
I've learnt to filter out the negative opinions because I know I am doing the right thing.

& last but not least, be the best you can be. When you have passion in whatever you are doing, you get motivated & you'll only strive for excellence.
Don't be afraid to do more, because at the end of the day.
You reap what you sow.
Your efforts will be rewarded & recognized, when it's done sincerely.

oh && there's something more.
I guess it applies to everything that we do;
don't just learn the "what" & "how", but the "why" as well.
Understanding is much more important than knowing the "what" by memorizing.
We are no computers, we cannot be programmed.
Once you understand "why" certain things are done that way, apply the "what" and "how", & modify it accordingly.

You know why i even mention about this?
cos many of us were trained in the department with the method of knowing the "what" and "how" but they don't bother explaining why certain things are done that way.
That is why, I had to learn it the hard way
& I made many unnecessary mistakes.
Isn't it more efficient if we can do it right the first time? ;/

Recently, I was told to train 2 new trainees.
Instead of following the norm, I train them according to my way.
& my principle is very simple,
make them understand why certain things are done that way & let them practice themselves.
My job is to correct the mistakes they make & explaining the consequences of their action.
Simple isn't it?
& I'm proud to say, they learned well & are fast learners.
*fingers crossed ;D

Remember this:

What you can really do is to be strong & don't ever let others to define who you are. Believe in yourself. & be positive. All's well.

p/s: I noticed, I still like to write grandma story la. Never changed for a bit. haha. goodnight, world!

I Miss Reading My Past

It's funny.

I stopped blogging for months already,
with the influence from social medias
i.e.. Facebook, Twitter & Instagram.
I abandoned this blog. &
I dont see the point in writing anymore.
That's why I stopped.

I stumbled upon my blogs again, just for fun.
I started reading at my old posts & I remembered, the very reason why I started a blog
because this is the place where I used to rant and express myself truly.
This is the place where I see my old self.

I'll continue to write the story of my life, so in years to come I may have looked at it again & see how much I have grown over the years ;))