oh God,
temptation fills me in, unwilling to turn and run
fantasy is over
back to reality la oiiiii!
i hate how you make me feel.
i hate how you stir up my mind like a red devil
please give me strength to fight against my unconscious mind
in the heat of passion, we need more than just knowledge
please give me wisdom to think what's best for me and the person involved
i know what i'm suppose to do, but when the desire kicks in, doing what's right isn't easy
please touch my heart, purifies my heart and make me realize that what i'm doing is wrong
i'm being put in a situation where i'm like carrying a current intended to light a fire
i don't want to open the matchbox
i don't want to get myself distracted, but it's hard
i want to concentrate in my studies alone for just a week
maybe not a week, 4 days to be precise
OMG
there's no other person i could turn to except for You, my Lord.
please guard my heart.
uwaaaaaa
hahaha
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
OMG OMG.
finally i get the chance to sit down and type this out. but as i typed, i feel guilty..
i don't know. but i just love the rain. like really really LOVE the rain.
i feel that it washes my hearts and souls as it does to our lands and skies.
i feel calm and at peace.
some would say that rain is depressing.
only stupid people will love the rain.
but i see it as quite the opposite.
rain is a gift from God and without it life is just not complete.
it promises us a prettier tomorrow.
it's like giving you hope,
a better tomorrow and things like that.
well, i don't know how to phrase it.
all i can say, you'll see sunshine after the rain.
you'll see rainbow after the rain.
only fools hate rain.
only fools don't play under the rain.
they don't appreciate god's gift.
they don't know how to harmonize with the mother's nature.
how to say..
it's like if you want to make beautiful music,
you must play the black and the white notes together.
likewise,
if you want to enjoy life,
you must make harmonize with God's gifts.
wahahaha.
i don't know what i'm talking
when it started to pour yesterday,
i felt so happy that finally we will get some overdue rain.
it is finally happening.
i was so excited that i wanted to play right at that moment.
i wanted to stay out to feel the rain,
experience it and savor this memory for the next time it rains
and you know what. i did it again! wohoooo
this time, i wasn't alone.
the feeling is just so awesome.
AWESOME!
i smell that familiar scent of the rain
and i taste salty water when rain drops land on my face
i wanted to sleep on the ground, feel the soil
i feel the rain
i smile from my heart and it lingers on my face
well, maybe i am exaggerating it
but that's how i feel. LOL
it's just so fantastic that i don't know how to describe it
having your loved ones to sing you love song under the rain
having your loved ones to hold you tight under the rain
suddenly i see the world,
is just you and i against the world.
i don't see anyone else, and could care less. HAHA
you feel cold, but you feel so warm inside..
waaaaaahahhahahahahahaha.
enough said.
i got too carried away already.
i know.
but good thing, my conscious mind filled my mind so much that it overcomes my unconscious mind.
heck, forget my last sentence.
yehaaaaa.
puuuut
thanks for making it into a reality one =)
and nek, i'm really sorry. it's never my intention to make you feel it or what, but i seriously don't know you were thinking of wanting to play under the rain. it makes hell lotsa sense now that, it's no wonder nenek borek cucu pun rintik. HAHAHAHAHAHA
finally i get the chance to sit down and type this out. but as i typed, i feel guilty..
i don't know. but i just love the rain. like really really LOVE the rain.
i feel that it washes my hearts and souls as it does to our lands and skies.
i feel calm and at peace.
some would say that rain is depressing.
only stupid people will love the rain.
but i see it as quite the opposite.
rain is a gift from God and without it life is just not complete.
it promises us a prettier tomorrow.
it's like giving you hope,
a better tomorrow and things like that.
well, i don't know how to phrase it.
all i can say, you'll see sunshine after the rain.
you'll see rainbow after the rain.
only fools hate rain.
only fools don't play under the rain.
they don't appreciate god's gift.
they don't know how to harmonize with the mother's nature.
how to say..
it's like if you want to make beautiful music,
you must play the black and the white notes together.
likewise,
if you want to enjoy life,
you must make harmonize with God's gifts.
wahahaha.
i don't know what i'm talking
when it started to pour yesterday,
i felt so happy that finally we will get some overdue rain.
it is finally happening.
i was so excited that i wanted to play right at that moment.
i wanted to stay out to feel the rain,
experience it and savor this memory for the next time it rains
and you know what. i did it again! wohoooo
this time, i wasn't alone.
the feeling is just so awesome.
AWESOME!
i smell that familiar scent of the rain
and i taste salty water when rain drops land on my face
i wanted to sleep on the ground, feel the soil
i feel the rain
i smile from my heart and it lingers on my face
well, maybe i am exaggerating it
but that's how i feel. LOL
it's just so fantastic that i don't know how to describe it
having your loved ones to sing you love song under the rain
having your loved ones to hold you tight under the rain
suddenly i see the world,
is just you and i against the world.
i don't see anyone else, and could care less. HAHA
you feel cold, but you feel so warm inside..
waaaaaahahhahahahahahaha.
enough said.
i got too carried away already.
i know.
but good thing, my conscious mind filled my mind so much that it overcomes my unconscious mind.
heck, forget my last sentence.
yehaaaaa.
puuuut
thanks for making it into a reality one =)
and nek, i'm really sorry. it's never my intention to make you feel it or what, but i seriously don't know you were thinking of wanting to play under the rain. it makes hell lotsa sense now that, it's no wonder nenek borek cucu pun rintik. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Friday, February 20, 2009
hmmm.
i don't think i'm okay, but i don't know what it is.
i don't know why.
it's not because of today..
it's a sudden feeling reigns in me which makes me feel blue out of a sudden.
i have a lot of friends, yes. tonnes of great friends.
but when i emo, i couldn't help it but to think..
how i wish during my darkest hour, there's an angel popped out in front of me asking if i'm okay
this angel will be there to wipe away my tears, comforting me saying everything will be okay..
i hate it most when i'm being too sensitive.
it's always best to know less..
please let me be dumb in this case.
i don't need any surprise or anything at all..
all i need is someone.. just someone to be there for me.
maybe the sense of loneliness overcome the usual me so much that i lost myself.
i don't like being put in a situation where today i'm feeling sick, but tomorrow i'll be so happy.
i don't feel like doing anything at all.
maybe i need a rest. haha
maybe i just need to cry it all out.
i'm gonna be okay, i know i will..
only that it's difficult for me to go through it now
i hate what i'm feeling now.
dear lord, please give me strength.
i want my old self back!
i don't think i'm okay, but i don't know what it is.
i don't know why.
it's not because of today..
it's a sudden feeling reigns in me which makes me feel blue out of a sudden.
i have a lot of friends, yes. tonnes of great friends.
but when i emo, i couldn't help it but to think..
how i wish during my darkest hour, there's an angel popped out in front of me asking if i'm okay
this angel will be there to wipe away my tears, comforting me saying everything will be okay..
i hate it most when i'm being too sensitive.
it's always best to know less..
please let me be dumb in this case.
i don't need any surprise or anything at all..
all i need is someone.. just someone to be there for me.
maybe the sense of loneliness overcome the usual me so much that i lost myself.
i don't like being put in a situation where today i'm feeling sick, but tomorrow i'll be so happy.
i don't feel like doing anything at all.
maybe i need a rest. haha
maybe i just need to cry it all out.
i'm gonna be okay, i know i will..
only that it's difficult for me to go through it now
i hate what i'm feeling now.
dear lord, please give me strength.
i want my old self back!
wow.
i couldn't stop smiling before the clock even strikes 12.
10 minutes before 12, i received a phone call from Caryn. she wasn't even saying hello.. she sang me a birthday song, how sweet is that?
i was on cloud nine already. she's just superb. i'm not saying this just because she remembered my birthday, but she has been such a great friend to me all these years.
later was bombarded with hell lotsa birthday wishes.
suddenly i feel.. wow, although i hardly have time for my old friends now, but i'm stil being remembered and cared by so many people. at one point, i even thank god for giving me such a beautiful life xD
even those people i never expected them to stay wide awake at 12am sharp just to wish me on my birthday. i feel really blessed.
even in school, wherever i go, people came to me and say happy birthday.
i feel like a superstar for a day suddenly.
and ai yean came all the way back to school just for me.. she made me go speechless. i really appreciate that.
everyday is just the same for me actually..
maybe i'll continue later.
so far today has been a great day for myself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i'm pretty disappointed.. i don't know why i even feel it this way, but i'm rather sad right now actually.
it's not that because my family they forgotten my birthday, in fact they wished me in a funny way. LOL
what a big deal anyway?
but what i want is to actually spend more time with them,
whether if it's just for today or any other day.
ever since young, i always wanted much attention from them.
i wished they could spend more time at home, as simple as that.
is it too much to ask for?
it's really funny to say this, but i have to admit.
i don't receive sufficient love from my parents ever since young though i know i shouldn't have asked more.
should i put the word desperate to describe myself?
i'm desperate for love to be precise. haha.
how i wished my dad is still here though he's a real bastard?
how i wished my sister ain't in japan, but staying with us?
how i wished my mum don't always sweat over small stuff?
how i wished my brother stop wasting his life, allowing precious time to pass him by?
how i wished every time i'm back home, i'll see all of them?
how i wished i have a father, a mother living happily ever after?
how i wished that day didn't even exist?
how i wished...
every time i think about it, it brought tears.
not tears of happiness, but tears of sorrow.
if only you know how much you hurt us the day you decided to leave us?
if only you cared about us anymore?
sometimes, i do wonder..
what will happen today if dad decided not to cheat on mum?
what will happen today if mum decided not to be cheated by dad?
what will happen today, to us?
will we be who we are today?
will we be where we are now?
if it's not because of him, mum wouldn't have to suffer so much.
if it's not because of him, my sister wouldn't even have to carry this burden on behalf of him.
if it's not because of him, my brother wouldn't be wasting his time still waiting.
if it's not because of him, i would have pursued the course that i wanted.
we wouldn't be stucked here still.
but...
if it's not because of him, i wouldn't know the value of a family
if it's not because of him, i would have still be the selfish me thinking that i always get what i want.
if it's not because of him, i wouldn't know how to appreciate people around me, and would have taken them for granted. how fragile it can be, they can disappeared within a second.
if it's not because of him, i wouldn't be who i am today, being such a monkie.
omg. i shouldn't be thinking too much right now.
it makes me cry.
the only thing i'm really happy about right now, despite all the sick feeling i'm having is that god answered my prayers.
He knows how much i love the rain.
and i thank you for pouring it all now.
rain as heavily as you can please.
please wash away my tears, my sanity.
allow me to be insane. LOL
i couldn't stop smiling before the clock even strikes 12.
10 minutes before 12, i received a phone call from Caryn. she wasn't even saying hello.. she sang me a birthday song, how sweet is that?
i was on cloud nine already. she's just superb. i'm not saying this just because she remembered my birthday, but she has been such a great friend to me all these years.
later was bombarded with hell lotsa birthday wishes.
suddenly i feel.. wow, although i hardly have time for my old friends now, but i'm stil being remembered and cared by so many people. at one point, i even thank god for giving me such a beautiful life xD
even those people i never expected them to stay wide awake at 12am sharp just to wish me on my birthday. i feel really blessed.
even in school, wherever i go, people came to me and say happy birthday.
i feel like a superstar for a day suddenly.
and ai yean came all the way back to school just for me.. she made me go speechless. i really appreciate that.
everyday is just the same for me actually..
maybe i'll continue later.
so far today has been a great day for myself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i'm pretty disappointed.. i don't know why i even feel it this way, but i'm rather sad right now actually.
it's not that because my family they forgotten my birthday, in fact they wished me in a funny way. LOL
what a big deal anyway?
but what i want is to actually spend more time with them,
whether if it's just for today or any other day.
ever since young, i always wanted much attention from them.
i wished they could spend more time at home, as simple as that.
is it too much to ask for?
it's really funny to say this, but i have to admit.
i don't receive sufficient love from my parents ever since young though i know i shouldn't have asked more.
should i put the word desperate to describe myself?
i'm desperate for love to be precise. haha.
how i wished my dad is still here though he's a real bastard?
how i wished my sister ain't in japan, but staying with us?
how i wished my mum don't always sweat over small stuff?
how i wished my brother stop wasting his life, allowing precious time to pass him by?
how i wished every time i'm back home, i'll see all of them?
how i wished i have a father, a mother living happily ever after?
how i wished that day didn't even exist?
how i wished...
every time i think about it, it brought tears.
not tears of happiness, but tears of sorrow.
if only you know how much you hurt us the day you decided to leave us?
if only you cared about us anymore?
sometimes, i do wonder..
what will happen today if dad decided not to cheat on mum?
what will happen today if mum decided not to be cheated by dad?
what will happen today, to us?
will we be who we are today?
will we be where we are now?
if it's not because of him, mum wouldn't have to suffer so much.
if it's not because of him, my sister wouldn't even have to carry this burden on behalf of him.
if it's not because of him, my brother wouldn't be wasting his time still waiting.
if it's not because of him, i would have pursued the course that i wanted.
we wouldn't be stucked here still.
but...
if it's not because of him, i wouldn't know the value of a family
if it's not because of him, i would have still be the selfish me thinking that i always get what i want.
if it's not because of him, i wouldn't know how to appreciate people around me, and would have taken them for granted. how fragile it can be, they can disappeared within a second.
if it's not because of him, i wouldn't be who i am today, being such a monkie.
omg. i shouldn't be thinking too much right now.
it makes me cry.
the only thing i'm really happy about right now, despite all the sick feeling i'm having is that god answered my prayers.
He knows how much i love the rain.
and i thank you for pouring it all now.
rain as heavily as you can please.
please wash away my tears, my sanity.
allow me to be insane. LOL
Thursday, February 19, 2009
oh yea.. yesterday..
i don't know if it's just my imagination or if it's real.
yesterday i saw a white figure passed me by.
mum said the gates of hell has opened for a month..
i don't know.
i'm having goosebumps to even think of it.
everytime i try to close my eyes, that scene is there.
it's creepy enough to keep my heart beating at the speed of err, 180? LOL
it's funny how when we're so intimate, my heartbeat is normal but yours beating like a drum.
it's funny how when your lips pressed against mine, my heartbeat racing like f1 but yours slowing down.
it's funny how i find you like a beast, and yet i believe that you will do me no harm. i know i'm safe in your arms.
it's funny how i find out that your not that innocent as you seem to be, yet i don't mind at all.
i really like it when you say all those things, coz i know you mean it.
i really like it when you touch my hair.
i really like it when you'll always allow me to do what i wanna do no matter how crazy it seems.
i love it most when my face touches yours and you'll be so hot. LOL
i love it most when i lay on your chest, listening to your heartbeats.
i love it most when we cuddle, and you'll be singing love songs to me.
i love it most when your hand always seems to be locked in mine.
i just want to hug you tight and sleep in your arms.
oh gosh, i can't even believe i'm saying all these.
i hate how you make me feel. i feel like i'm a pervert now. LOL
or is that what all the couples feel?
hmmmm
sukwai, control yourself. don't make him your priority. don't allow love to conquers you. breathe in. breathe out. fuuuuuuuuh. hahaa
i don't know if it's just my imagination or if it's real.
yesterday i saw a white figure passed me by.
mum said the gates of hell has opened for a month..
i don't know.
i'm having goosebumps to even think of it.
everytime i try to close my eyes, that scene is there.
it's creepy enough to keep my heart beating at the speed of err, 180? LOL
it's funny how when we're so intimate, my heartbeat is normal but yours beating like a drum.
it's funny how when your lips pressed against mine, my heartbeat racing like f1 but yours slowing down.
it's funny how i find you like a beast, and yet i believe that you will do me no harm. i know i'm safe in your arms.
it's funny how i find out that your not that innocent as you seem to be, yet i don't mind at all.
i really like it when you say all those things, coz i know you mean it.
i really like it when you touch my hair.
i really like it when you'll always allow me to do what i wanna do no matter how crazy it seems.
i love it most when my face touches yours and you'll be so hot. LOL
i love it most when i lay on your chest, listening to your heartbeats.
i love it most when we cuddle, and you'll be singing love songs to me.
i love it most when your hand always seems to be locked in mine.
i just want to hug you tight and sleep in your arms.
oh gosh, i can't even believe i'm saying all these.
i hate how you make me feel. i feel like i'm a pervert now. LOL
or is that what all the couples feel?
hmmmm
sukwai, control yourself. don't make him your priority. don't allow love to conquers you. breathe in. breathe out. fuuuuuuuuh. hahaa
so much to do in a day.
feeling so restless.
sometimes i wonder, what am i doing?
why am i doing so much?
why i prefer doing everything but studies?
have i lost the passion in my studies?
or have i get myself distracted recently?
am i not bothered about my future anymore?
why would i even cared when this person supposingly to be in the same level as you refused to do his job, leaving all the shits for you to handle?
why made all the trouble go around the school, begging them to come?
why being so firm with yourself?
and most of all why being so serious and make everyone hates you?
why when you try to be serious, people hated you?
why when you try to loosen up a lil' being funny, people condemn you asking to be serious?
why is it so hard to please everyone?
or should i say why even bothered to please anyone at all?
right now i'm pretty disappointed with my studies. with myself.
why can't i stop procrastinating?
i know i'm slacking.
i know what's best for me.
i have set my mind right, but yet
why is it so hard to walk the talk?
why do i have so many whys?
feeling so restless.
sometimes i wonder, what am i doing?
why am i doing so much?
why i prefer doing everything but studies?
have i lost the passion in my studies?
or have i get myself distracted recently?
am i not bothered about my future anymore?
why would i even cared when this person supposingly to be in the same level as you refused to do his job, leaving all the shits for you to handle?
why made all the trouble go around the school, begging them to come?
why being so firm with yourself?
and most of all why being so serious and make everyone hates you?
why when you try to be serious, people hated you?
why when you try to loosen up a lil' being funny, people condemn you asking to be serious?
why is it so hard to please everyone?
or should i say why even bothered to please anyone at all?
right now i'm pretty disappointed with my studies. with myself.
why can't i stop procrastinating?
i know i'm slacking.
i know what's best for me.
i have set my mind right, but yet
why is it so hard to walk the talk?
why do i have so many whys?
Saturday, February 14, 2009
"I LOVE YOU" is a phrase with three words: "I" the subject; "YOU" the object; and "LOVE" the verb. to love is an action. it's true.
it's never me to talk about love or romance but when you are in love, you just know the right words to say, how it makes you feel and things like that. even up to now, i kept asking myself if i have made the right choice, by accepting someone i barely know if i could commit genuinely, whether it's the right time to open up your heart to someone when you know this is the crucial year for yourself and the person involved. but deep inside, a voice within me is telling "it's time. just go for it.." so shit. i don't even know what i'm talking now. haha
it has been years i've waited for the right person to come into my life telling me exactly the answer of my heart, why you love me? but none lived up to my expectations, i don't mean to say i'm that perfect myself but when comes to falling in love, it's something i really take it cautiously because i never allow myself to play with a guy's heart just like what i see in my dad playing with my mum's. it hurts so badly that it is as if your heart has been crashed into tiny bits of pieces and i know how it feels for it made an impact in my life myself.
today's valentines..
pretty funny actually.
the babi was late for an hour..
ended up wasted rm20 for nothing..
let jia ee and pui yee have some space. haha
but still, i wanna watch the pink panther!
everywhere flooded with hell lotsa couples..
no wonder it's called mountain people mountain see.
must it be on valentines only the couples will be so lovey dovey?
if two persons are in love, ain't everyday is valentines?
must it be so specified that 14th february is valentines, the day where you'll be showing your affection to your loved ones?
we ended up in some ancient restaurant eating japanese food..
yea.. very ancient.. service also very kuno..
wasted an hour or so, but it was worthwhile..
we really shared our stories which it amused me to be frank.
i couldn't believe how close we've been together ever since we started.
i always thought this relationship ain't gonna work.
we're two totally different person.
i am loud, and he is quiet.
i am crazy, and he is serious.
i am hyper and he is dull
i am like an 8 years old kid whilst he's like a 28 years old man stucked in a body of an 18 years old.
we're so different in many ways,
that once i even made fun saying of all the guys, he'll never be the one in my life..
but it proves me wrong, completely.
the power of love, isn't it amazing?
it makes you do and say the impossible,
to believe that anything is possible.
don't be too sure of yourself.
there's no certainty.
the first month, i find it awkward..
i don't see love. i don't even know what it is about and why i got myself trapped in this game of love.
i find it boring.
i know i can't commit.
if possible, i just wanna run away.
if possible, i just wanna end it all.
i made a mistake, and so i thought.
second month, i find it sweet..
i see how much he sacrificed for me yet i don't allow myself to love him just for what he has done.
that's sympathy.
there's still a wall i built deep within my heart for years, that i don't allow anyone to break it soon enough.
but slowly, he's showing me what love is all about.
love unconditionally, and never expect anything in return.
it's all about understanding.
it's about patience.
it's about considering what's best for the other person, and not merely what you think is best for you.
it's about being able to control your feelings and to base our emotions and perceptions in reality.
it's all about maturity.
isn't it funny i could say so much?
isn't it funny all these things came out from my mouth?
he made me understand all these.
he made me understand perfectly that i don't need to find a perfect lover, all i gotta do is to create a perfect love.
that's all that matters.
third month, i find out that i'm head over heels. so shit
i never really say it to anyone.
i don't even know how to show it.
all i do, is to be cool about it and being emotionless.
my first time being so head over heels,
yet i remind myself. 'sukwai, you gotta control yourself. take it slowly. play it cool. there's no need to rush.'
my first time hugging someone so tight that i wished i don't have to let go.
my first time holding a guy's hand.
my first time kissing a guy and yet i don't think it's bad.
my first time hearing a guy's heartbeats at such a distance.
my first time knowing that a guy will be so nervous everytime i'm near him.
my first time going on a trip with a guy.
my first time curang-ing and not bothered by what the consequences are.
my first time saying 'i love you' and really mean it.
my first time having to meet a guy who treats you like you are his world.
my first time really cared for a guy.
my first time massaging a guy and actually being massaged in return.
my first time seeing how a guy put off his pride to do whatever you wish
my first time knowing that i have someone to stand by you no matter how terrible you are, taking in your good and bad.
my first time being so furious over a small matter.
my first time meeting my Yes Man.
i can keep on typing if i want to,
coz there's so many of my first times being shared with him.
eventhough one day if god decided to call it off for us, i believe that i'll have no regrets as i looked back to how much we have been through ups and downs.
he creates a memorable chapter in my life and will always make a difference. he changed me. i doubt if i'll ever love someone as deep as what i have for him now, well doesn't matter. appreciate what you have in the present. love truly as if its your last xD
it's never me to talk about love or romance but when you are in love, you just know the right words to say, how it makes you feel and things like that. even up to now, i kept asking myself if i have made the right choice, by accepting someone i barely know if i could commit genuinely, whether it's the right time to open up your heart to someone when you know this is the crucial year for yourself and the person involved. but deep inside, a voice within me is telling "it's time. just go for it.." so shit. i don't even know what i'm talking now. haha
it has been years i've waited for the right person to come into my life telling me exactly the answer of my heart, why you love me? but none lived up to my expectations, i don't mean to say i'm that perfect myself but when comes to falling in love, it's something i really take it cautiously because i never allow myself to play with a guy's heart just like what i see in my dad playing with my mum's. it hurts so badly that it is as if your heart has been crashed into tiny bits of pieces and i know how it feels for it made an impact in my life myself.
today's valentines..
pretty funny actually.
the babi was late for an hour..
ended up wasted rm20 for nothing..
let jia ee and pui yee have some space. haha
but still, i wanna watch the pink panther!
everywhere flooded with hell lotsa couples..
no wonder it's called mountain people mountain see.
must it be on valentines only the couples will be so lovey dovey?
if two persons are in love, ain't everyday is valentines?
must it be so specified that 14th february is valentines, the day where you'll be showing your affection to your loved ones?
we ended up in some ancient restaurant eating japanese food..
yea.. very ancient.. service also very kuno..
wasted an hour or so, but it was worthwhile..
we really shared our stories which it amused me to be frank.
i couldn't believe how close we've been together ever since we started.
i always thought this relationship ain't gonna work.
we're two totally different person.
i am loud, and he is quiet.
i am crazy, and he is serious.
i am hyper and he is dull
i am like an 8 years old kid whilst he's like a 28 years old man stucked in a body of an 18 years old.
we're so different in many ways,
that once i even made fun saying of all the guys, he'll never be the one in my life..
but it proves me wrong, completely.
the power of love, isn't it amazing?
it makes you do and say the impossible,
to believe that anything is possible.
don't be too sure of yourself.
there's no certainty.
the first month, i find it awkward..
i don't see love. i don't even know what it is about and why i got myself trapped in this game of love.
i find it boring.
i know i can't commit.
if possible, i just wanna run away.
if possible, i just wanna end it all.
i made a mistake, and so i thought.
second month, i find it sweet..
i see how much he sacrificed for me yet i don't allow myself to love him just for what he has done.
that's sympathy.
there's still a wall i built deep within my heart for years, that i don't allow anyone to break it soon enough.
but slowly, he's showing me what love is all about.
love unconditionally, and never expect anything in return.
it's all about understanding.
it's about patience.
it's about considering what's best for the other person, and not merely what you think is best for you.
it's about being able to control your feelings and to base our emotions and perceptions in reality.
it's all about maturity.
isn't it funny i could say so much?
isn't it funny all these things came out from my mouth?
he made me understand all these.
he made me understand perfectly that i don't need to find a perfect lover, all i gotta do is to create a perfect love.
that's all that matters.
third month, i find out that i'm head over heels. so shit
i never really say it to anyone.
i don't even know how to show it.
all i do, is to be cool about it and being emotionless.
my first time being so head over heels,
yet i remind myself. 'sukwai, you gotta control yourself. take it slowly. play it cool. there's no need to rush.'
my first time hugging someone so tight that i wished i don't have to let go.
my first time holding a guy's hand.
my first time kissing a guy and yet i don't think it's bad.
my first time hearing a guy's heartbeats at such a distance.
my first time knowing that a guy will be so nervous everytime i'm near him.
my first time going on a trip with a guy.
my first time curang-ing and not bothered by what the consequences are.
my first time saying 'i love you' and really mean it.
my first time having to meet a guy who treats you like you are his world.
my first time really cared for a guy.
my first time massaging a guy and actually being massaged in return.
my first time seeing how a guy put off his pride to do whatever you wish
my first time knowing that i have someone to stand by you no matter how terrible you are, taking in your good and bad.
my first time being so furious over a small matter.
my first time meeting my Yes Man.
i can keep on typing if i want to,
coz there's so many of my first times being shared with him.
eventhough one day if god decided to call it off for us, i believe that i'll have no regrets as i looked back to how much we have been through ups and downs.
he creates a memorable chapter in my life and will always make a difference. he changed me. i doubt if i'll ever love someone as deep as what i have for him now, well doesn't matter. appreciate what you have in the present. love truly as if its your last xD
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
i made another mistake yet again.
i made a mistake by not coming to school.
but who's perfect? no one is perfect.
instead of blaming myself, i should learn from it and don't commit the same mistake again. oosh
i just got so sick of having so much to do in a day, got myself busy everyday without a purpose, at the end of the day i'm just wasting my damned time, i just realize. stop dabbling! stop trying to do it all. maybe i should slow down.
yea, i should slow down. but heck, what happened? i screwed up everything. i wouldn't say it's all my fault, but it was my fault. everyone started putting all the blames on me. showing faces and saying things that hurt, but you know.. this time around i just feel so much different compared to last time where i take it to heart what my friends gonna say or to think about me. i think i have surpassed my old self so much that, i no longer give a damn what they gonna say, coz i know i have a bunch of superbly great friends who won't judge me for who i am. they accept me for who i really am despite my own flaws. that's what matters most. and i ain't gonna judge myself, i have to believe in myself. i ain't a perfect person but yet i am good as a person.
but on the flip side, i should be thankful that all these happened. it only proves how important i am in the role of being the person in charge. what a great impact i had on them. wohooo. ss also ss la. i don't care. if vincent doesn't wanna commit, i'll just prove to all the arses who think i'm good for nothing that i am capable.
and i just couldn't stop saying that, this life of mine is so blessed. despite whatever heartbreaks i had to endure over the years, i am thankful for it. coz it builds me. it makes me who i am today. it makes me to appreciate the people who is so dear to me, never to allow myself to regret once more.
oh gosh, a vow to myself. LOL. i'll never try to hurt or let go any of the dFianz for they mean so much to me. never once in my life i have this strong feeling that i really want these friendships to remain forever. they make me happy and laugh out loud genuinely from my heart and most of all they make me loved life, and the only reason why i'm looking forward to seeing them with a brand new day, every day without failed.
right at this moment, i am so head over heels in love. he taught me how to really love and care for a person; without expecting any in return. to be more sensitive towards others feeling and yea.. just the way to love a person whole heartedly. oh gosh. i don't know if this is him or slowly as years gone by, he'll reveal his true colours one day. i wouldn't know. but all i know, at this very moment he's an angel god sent from above to protect and teach me the real value of life. damn, i'm so lucky. xD
i made a mistake by not coming to school.
but who's perfect? no one is perfect.
instead of blaming myself, i should learn from it and don't commit the same mistake again. oosh
i just got so sick of having so much to do in a day, got myself busy everyday without a purpose, at the end of the day i'm just wasting my damned time, i just realize. stop dabbling! stop trying to do it all. maybe i should slow down.
yea, i should slow down. but heck, what happened? i screwed up everything. i wouldn't say it's all my fault, but it was my fault. everyone started putting all the blames on me. showing faces and saying things that hurt, but you know.. this time around i just feel so much different compared to last time where i take it to heart what my friends gonna say or to think about me. i think i have surpassed my old self so much that, i no longer give a damn what they gonna say, coz i know i have a bunch of superbly great friends who won't judge me for who i am. they accept me for who i really am despite my own flaws. that's what matters most. and i ain't gonna judge myself, i have to believe in myself. i ain't a perfect person but yet i am good as a person.
but on the flip side, i should be thankful that all these happened. it only proves how important i am in the role of being the person in charge. what a great impact i had on them. wohooo. ss also ss la. i don't care. if vincent doesn't wanna commit, i'll just prove to all the arses who think i'm good for nothing that i am capable.
and i just couldn't stop saying that, this life of mine is so blessed. despite whatever heartbreaks i had to endure over the years, i am thankful for it. coz it builds me. it makes me who i am today. it makes me to appreciate the people who is so dear to me, never to allow myself to regret once more.
oh gosh, a vow to myself. LOL. i'll never try to hurt or let go any of the dFianz for they mean so much to me. never once in my life i have this strong feeling that i really want these friendships to remain forever. they make me happy and laugh out loud genuinely from my heart and most of all they make me loved life, and the only reason why i'm looking forward to seeing them with a brand new day, every day without failed.
right at this moment, i am so head over heels in love. he taught me how to really love and care for a person; without expecting any in return. to be more sensitive towards others feeling and yea.. just the way to love a person whole heartedly. oh gosh. i don't know if this is him or slowly as years gone by, he'll reveal his true colours one day. i wouldn't know. but all i know, at this very moment he's an angel god sent from above to protect and teach me the real value of life. damn, i'm so lucky. xD
Monday, February 9, 2009
Tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile.
hmm.. okay, here goes my preaching again.. a short one..
just recently a friend of mine, her uncle passed away.. though i ain't in her position to see thing according to her angle, it's gonna be a tough phase she's facing definitely.
and another friend of mine, i see how much she has suffered just to achieve what she really wants, to make her dreams turn into a reality one. but i don't know.. maybe i ain't as strong as her, but somehow i could feel how hard she has been struggling, all day and night, no rest at all.
but in life, is that all we asked of? dreams to ahieve. ambition. career to have in the future? what about other aspects of life? i mean, it's a big NO NO to say life is all about having fun, but if you don't allow yourself to at least have some fun in your life, ain't this life of yours is wasted? true enough, you need career but we can't always predict the future. too often, what we desire, what we plan don't always go the way we wanted.
in other words, being optimistic sounded a lil' funny, does it? but i think with an optimistic mind, you see things in a different way and persevering through tough times builds character and shows that not all goals get cast aside just because of personal comfort. life still move on, whether you are ready or not. time waits for no man.
wohoo.
so stop wasting time, get back to work. sigh
oh yea,
yours truly,
signing off
xoxo
p/s: sorry for being lame again. i like la. bluekk. haaha
hmm.. okay, here goes my preaching again.. a short one..
just recently a friend of mine, her uncle passed away.. though i ain't in her position to see thing according to her angle, it's gonna be a tough phase she's facing definitely.
and another friend of mine, i see how much she has suffered just to achieve what she really wants, to make her dreams turn into a reality one. but i don't know.. maybe i ain't as strong as her, but somehow i could feel how hard she has been struggling, all day and night, no rest at all.
but in life, is that all we asked of? dreams to ahieve. ambition. career to have in the future? what about other aspects of life? i mean, it's a big NO NO to say life is all about having fun, but if you don't allow yourself to at least have some fun in your life, ain't this life of yours is wasted? true enough, you need career but we can't always predict the future. too often, what we desire, what we plan don't always go the way we wanted.
in other words, being optimistic sounded a lil' funny, does it? but i think with an optimistic mind, you see things in a different way and persevering through tough times builds character and shows that not all goals get cast aside just because of personal comfort. life still move on, whether you are ready or not. time waits for no man.
wohoo.
so stop wasting time, get back to work. sigh
oh yea,
yours truly,
signing off
xoxo
p/s: sorry for being lame again. i like la. bluekk. haaha
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
hehehe.
i just feel like scribbling something here before i'm off to heaven. wohooo
oh gosh, you wouldn't know how much i hated coming to school everyday, having lessons especially when you have no clues what the teacher is blabbering in front, like a chicken backside puuut puuut-ing everywhere. and at the end of the day, all you see is lots of bubbles made by our respected fellow teachers. alas, education is so important that you gotta drag yourself from bed no matter what it takes. sighs. shoudn't be sighing, should be thankful-ing. muahahaha
on second thought, that's where i come alive, at least that's what i thought. it's just so different when you are with friends in school, and with your family at home. let me put it this way, i think all of us have split personality where you can be so babi outside, and the next thing you know, you can be such a baby. (i don't mean anything, just tryna rhyme the word babi with baby, only the y and i differ what) and if you notice, somehow or rather ask yourself 'Why I am a different person in a different situation, when I am with different cliques?' *waaa, i think i deserve to receive the ISO 9001 award la! muahahahah =p
on third thought, school is like a road to self discovery where you happened to 'watch' lotsa dramas or perhaps, if you are lucky enough you'll get the chance to choose what roles to play in the drama, only that you don't get to choose which audience to come and watch your show. i'm complicating it, so forget it. muahahah.
it always feel so good when out of the blue, you received a call from an old friend of yours asking hows everything getting and yada yada. the feeling is just so cekap la. you feel being remembered and loved, at least at that moment, your monkie's image ever cross someone's mind. hehe. how i miss high school, all my friends back then.. really close friends. GOSH.. i miss 5 lilians.. i miss playing captain's ball.. i miss indeh. i miss jocelyn. i miss kalis. i miss everyone. hahah. enough of my grandma's story.
well, i wanted to say something actually, but forgotten again. so let's forget it then. muahahaha
i wanted to write something here actually, but if my brother gets to know it, which i'm sure within the next day i'll be slaughtered alive by my mum, so better not. don't wanna take the risk. =p
it's fun to see no matter how silly you are, how childish you react or maybe how demanding you are when you want exactly the way you wanted, that drives everyone go nuts and YET there's still somebody, someone out there; with no complains, not a word about it whether you are crossing the line or not, these people will just do for you, whether they like it or not, willingly or not. WOW. ain't it's just so cool? *fingers crossed, let's just hope i don't get too comfortable and step on their heads will be good enough.
viva dFianz!
wuahahahahaha
i just feel like scribbling something here before i'm off to heaven. wohooo
oh gosh, you wouldn't know how much i hated coming to school everyday, having lessons especially when you have no clues what the teacher is blabbering in front, like a chicken backside puuut puuut-ing everywhere. and at the end of the day, all you see is lots of bubbles made by our respected fellow teachers. alas, education is so important that you gotta drag yourself from bed no matter what it takes. sighs. shoudn't be sighing, should be thankful-ing. muahahaha
on second thought, that's where i come alive, at least that's what i thought. it's just so different when you are with friends in school, and with your family at home. let me put it this way, i think all of us have split personality where you can be so babi outside, and the next thing you know, you can be such a baby. (i don't mean anything, just tryna rhyme the word babi with baby, only the y and i differ what) and if you notice, somehow or rather ask yourself 'Why I am a different person in a different situation, when I am with different cliques?' *waaa, i think i deserve to receive the ISO 9001 award la! muahahahah =p
on third thought, school is like a road to self discovery where you happened to 'watch' lotsa dramas or perhaps, if you are lucky enough you'll get the chance to choose what roles to play in the drama, only that you don't get to choose which audience to come and watch your show. i'm complicating it, so forget it. muahahah.
it always feel so good when out of the blue, you received a call from an old friend of yours asking hows everything getting and yada yada. the feeling is just so cekap la. you feel being remembered and loved, at least at that moment, your monkie's image ever cross someone's mind. hehe. how i miss high school, all my friends back then.. really close friends. GOSH.. i miss 5 lilians.. i miss playing captain's ball.. i miss indeh. i miss jocelyn. i miss kalis. i miss everyone. hahah. enough of my grandma's story.
well, i wanted to say something actually, but forgotten again. so let's forget it then. muahahaha
i wanted to write something here actually, but if my brother gets to know it, which i'm sure within the next day i'll be slaughtered alive by my mum, so better not. don't wanna take the risk. =p
it's fun to see no matter how silly you are, how childish you react or maybe how demanding you are when you want exactly the way you wanted, that drives everyone go nuts and YET there's still somebody, someone out there; with no complains, not a word about it whether you are crossing the line or not, these people will just do for you, whether they like it or not, willingly or not. WOW. ain't it's just so cool? *fingers crossed, let's just hope i don't get too comfortable and step on their heads will be good enough.
viva dFianz!
wuahahahahaha
Sunday, February 1, 2009
thoughts of the day
" As you enter into a new era or close chapters of your life, think back on all the things you have endured, some wonderful and others not so. Give thanks for your life of living and be oh so grateful that you're still here. Your mission in this world is not over. Wake-up and understand the full purpose of your life and all that there is for you to do. Each day set out to make a positive impact in the lives of others. Make it a point to take part in building positive change in this world. Purposely plan to plant positive seeds of knowledge in the lives of those who may cross your life's path. Learn to love yourself more as you venture through life's journey so that you may be able to love others more. As the love grows and flows from within outward, allow it to become external to live and love on eternal."
" The key to a better life: Complain less, appreciate more. Whine less, laugh more. Talk less, listen more. Want less, give more. Hate less, love more. Scold less, praise more. Fear less, hope more."
--- Michael Josephson
use your life wisely, spend your quality time prudently and carefully with the ones you love, so that when the time is up for ya to bid farewell, at least you have no regrets for things you did not get to do, words you did not get to express out. try to have the least regrets when your time is up coz this life of yours is wasted if you don't get to live life the way that you have always wanted but being in somebody's else shoes, trying to please everyone, most of the time. it's not worth it. whee la la. haku haku *gone crazy. don't mind me. adios
" The key to a better life: Complain less, appreciate more. Whine less, laugh more. Talk less, listen more. Want less, give more. Hate less, love more. Scold less, praise more. Fear less, hope more."
--- Michael Josephson
use your life wisely, spend your quality time prudently and carefully with the ones you love, so that when the time is up for ya to bid farewell, at least you have no regrets for things you did not get to do, words you did not get to express out. try to have the least regrets when your time is up coz this life of yours is wasted if you don't get to live life the way that you have always wanted but being in somebody's else shoes, trying to please everyone, most of the time. it's not worth it. whee la la. haku haku *gone crazy. don't mind me. adios
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