Lots of events happened recently, that makes me realized so many things which i never seemed to bother at all.

How to put it in words..

I kind of having a row with ma friend which is the weirdest thing of all. I mean, it's just a simple issue but heck, we're no longer talking to each other. funny aite? I'm so tired being the one moving the first step, apologizing. sumhow i learnt not to retreat if it's not ma fault, in any sense. when you're being soft, others labelled you with all kind of names. but if you dont, they said you're a real meanie and hated you for that.

sumtimes i wish others be more like me, and less like them...

but i dont wish to see another clone of me either.

I'm sick of all the sweet promises, coz it is meant to be broken. i have friends promised me with everything, but when i need someone just to be there to listen to all ma doubts. i can count 'em with one finger. when you are in the deepest valley, you know how magnificent it is when you're on top of the world.

sometimes what you think it is ought to be a total different thing if you choose to speak your mind. ma friend once said Telling the truth is a loving act; till today i still stick with this principle coz i find many truths in the saying.

Seriously, i once thought i have no one to talk to. i was so depressed that i almost give up the term 'friendship'. what are friends for when in times of need they vanish in thin air? I chose to confess everything out and set ma mind that after today, i would stop giving and sharing. and who give a damn if i have no friends. i could care less what others gona say or to think about me.
When i really confessed everything out;

I WAS WRONG! COMPLETELY WRONG

there's still many peeps that truly care for you, just the matter of whether they know it or not. and that's where i realized the power of confession. how could i be so self-centred expecting ma friends MUST be there for me..

personally, i do think if they know you're having doubts and yet pretending they know nothing at all, it's time to reconsider what kind of friend you should grade 'em.

Maybe i should just keep ma expectations lower, and accept the fact that not everyone is lucky enough to found a best friend. and I'm not sure of maself, but i do think i found two. they don't happen to be there when i need them just like when they need someone to stand firm with 'em, i failed to be there. but i can say Indeh and Ain, both make a difference in ma life. The miraculous beauty of this friendships is something i'll hold on to.

But i guess there's some truth which is best not to be spoken out. it's best to remain as a secret. it's funny how i used to think maself as the kinda girl who'll say whatever in ma mind not bothering others' feelings, for if i dont say everything out, i feel bad for maself.

i remember i make two of ma closest friends cried because of some stupid truths which i thought they should know. Ended up, i screwed up everything.

and i even confessed to a friend about ma feelings. what i thought supposed to be turned up exactly the opposite. our friendship partially ruined because of this. if only i could take back what i said.

all this while, whatever i hope for i would definitely get it. maybe i take this privilege for granted, i never seemed to understand how it feels like to be rejected. now i've been through it, for the first time i know how it feels like to be heartbroken.

i think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision.