i may sound funny to say this or perhaps even lame..
this morning as i woke up, many things running through my head..
nenek's voice kept playing like a scene without sound, rewind playback rewind playback
at one point i really thought that, why not i just take a break? it's only one day, and im gonna study hard later in the evening.
another voice kept telling 'sukwai, if your gona remain like now, you'll regret one day. if you choose to escape school today, your gona failed in your stpm."
and then, patrick's message just came on time asking to get up and wash face, and i did. i really did. OMG. so the story ends here. so lame. hahahaha.

what i'm tryna say, this morning is like a wake up call for myself.
as i reflect on what i'd been doing over the past years, or maybe let's make it shorter, the recent five months. did i put in any effort at all to achieve what i've always wanted? or did i just talk the talk, had all the great plans in my mind, but did i actually practice what i preached to make a difference? what had i been doing for the past months? the answer is pretty frustrating. i'm so disappointed with myself.

when i chose my path to come f6 a year ago, i told myself; sukwai, you ain't gonna be so lucky thinking that your gonna score in stpm if you set your mindset unchanged like how you used to be in f5. if your not gonna put in extra efforts and be committed in your studies. don't come f6.

what i told myself, i'm gonna change. i ain't gonna be this playful anymore and i'll be serious. but what i see, i should be angry with myself that i did not live up to my words. i failed to keep my words.

sometimes, all i need is a push button to start. i'm a complete oxymoron when come to self-motivation. it's easy for me to try to inspire others to change for the better, but when come to myself i need others to inspire and push me. i do feel that, no one can achieve something really great alone. we need each other. everyone needs somebody and feels like somebody.

i don't wanna be so depending on others to give me that drive of force, but i just cant help it.

and i do come to realize that, i have to be selfish. friends may come and say, "well if you need me i'm always there to help you out". you can have a great time together; sharing laughters, sharing pains. finding the best solutions to solve every of your friend's problem when they come to you, but none of us will actually worry or even being concerned of our friend's future. it's an abstract thoughts, i don't know how to say it. the point is that, you gotta allow yourself to be selfish, shutting yourself completely from everyone, allow yourself to have some time alone; focusing on studies that kinda thing. nvm, i'm bullshitting already. better stop now.

i wish i had enough wisdom..
or a little wiser..
to know what to say
to have wisdom to say all the right words
i don't wanna screw up my speaking.
it makes me feel so small, feel like a fool
i can be crappy, but when it's time to be crappy; i'm just so lost in words.

but i guess..
everyone's good at something.. in their own special way.

i don't know if i can do it or not whether in terms of speaking, studying or whatsoever- but one thing or another, i guess i really have to go nuclear this time. not holding out any more barrel. hoho

i'm given one last chance to prove myself and i shouldn't let it slipped away once more. some people are just born to be so smart that they don't even have to try so hard to achieve their dreams, while some people have to try and keep trying so to achieve their dreams. don't know what to say. continue next time. should, really SHOULD PROCEED TO THE BACK AND STUDY NOW. HHAHAHAHAHAH