Fcuking headache. I wished i could take out my brain for the night & let me sleep soundly instead of having so much thoughts in mind. It feels like hell & i couldn't stop crying.

The room feels cold tonight, i don't know why. Loneliness wrapped myself into emotional mood again.

Let me tell you what happened.

i seriously loathe her, the Witch. cos i can see & i'm 70% sure that she's envious of me, that's why she has got all the right reasons to shoot me. Sometimes i really don't wanna be bothered by what she's gona do to me, but i just can't be the angel me you see. i feel hatred. & i do have feelings alrite. today, she complained to me saying the cashier place was so messed up & asked me not to mess it again. right, funny. then, she asked me to wipe all the photo frames & i said the new staffs already wiped. instead, i helped to clean the Front Line. i was helping preparing the food & drinks in Front Line when the Witch thought she's so smart already asking "You can do it?" & of course she wanted to help, but maybe God is watching you see. the Witch couldn't help in the Front Line cos she's being called by the manager. God serves her right. when she saw me talking & laughing with the Supervisor, the staring that i got from her is unbearable. i don't like it. next when i'm cleaning & killing the cockroaches with the gloves on, the bitchy Witch asked me "Chan, help me send the drinks to that table" & i told her straight "I'm wearing gloves, why can't you send yourself?" & she said "that's the JJ manager. i scared get scolded" so smart of her to find a white mice. well, but one rotten apple doesn't spoil the whole basket of it. the rest of them are okay. i love working in kenny rogers, except when the Witch thinks she's above me & instructing me to do this & that.

enough of her. lots of people as usual. & guess what, for the first time in my life, i got RM13 as a tips from this Caucasian. he's real nice. i chatted with him a while, asking if he's on vacation & stuff like that. fullstop. but he's so generous. i was on cloud nine. but good thing doesn't last for long you see. during closing, the Manager told me "Chan, when you become cashier business is good huh?" i take it as a compliment. but guess what, the drawer short of RM46.30! that's alot of money & i seriously don't know what went wrong. so it dragged on til 12am & everything's settle cos the Manager is really good. She doesn't blame me but asked me to be extra careful next time. that's it. plus she told me "i don't simply pay when the amount it not right. sometimes, we have to see what kinda person they are & i know you are good, Chan. so don't feel guilty." you see, even an outsider understands how i feel & tried to make me feel better.

but you, you made me feel worse. you made me tear & you made me feel as if i had the worst night. you are not being the understanding you when i needed you. you made me hate you for what you've done to me. sometimes sorry doesn't cure when all is said & done. you can never undo what you have done to a person. it feels as if you have stabbed me right in the heart & the next thing you said to me was "i'm sorry. i never meant to hurt you". don't see things in your own perspective. yes, you are tired. i am tired. everyone is tired. but if you were in my situation, will you ever leave the manager in a pool of shit when it's your own fault. it's your responsibility to fix it. so don't tell me all the fcuking long winded theory of yours, cos i don't buy it. & if you have no patience for me anymore, so don't wait. just leave. i know how to take care of myself.

maybe it's still fresh in the memory that's why i'm feeling it so much now. but i don't care whether what i'm saying now is over emotional or if i know what i'm typing. i don't care anymore.

you make me rethink twice the decision i've made. sometimes i feel like you don't know me at all. you don't even know what i want at all. all you ever think of is what i should do according to you, because you are right & you are at the maturity level compared to me. that you feel as if there are things you should guide me & tell me what should do. but when things like this happen too often, i can't breathe. i feel like breaking free & just leave everything behind.

you make me doubt myself. why do i ever need a special one in my life? what's boyfriend for when all he does for me is to fetch me to work, taking care of my daily needs, & sorts like that when all i ever needed is someone to listen to me. give me his shoulder to lean on when i needed him most & to comfort me. if everything i'm about to say gonna worried me if he's gona like it anot. if i'm being my selfish self thinking that i can cry to you when all i got in return was a nitemare & heart breaks, what's the use? i'd rather choose not to risk in the game of love & guard my heart instead.