Desperado.

what breaks me is not because i acted like a bitch,
but the fact that i have no one to talk to, to be trusted and to be listened to.
i have so much in mind but i just don't know who to talk to.
many claims to be my number one listener, but were you really the one?
i had such a time, where tears already waiting to burst out.
but when i really did try to loosen myself, somehow it got stuck somewhere in my throat.
i dont care if nobody ever likes me, nobody pays attention to me.
but you, being the special one. supposed to be the special one, where the hell are you when i really needed you?
i can tolerate with you when you said you have no time for me, because it's understandable.
i still can take it even if there's no sweet lovey message just to wish me goodnight.
but i can't take it when you can't even be with me when i feel like shit.

whatever that is, i don't wana let anyone be my reason to feel upset or to be hurt anymore.
from this moment onwards, it's gonna be me before others & not the other way round.
i'm still gonna be me whether you love me or hate me,
i don't wana be the good person anymore. so if you don't like me, just leave!
cos i just get so tired of this pleasing game where i tried every possible ways to make sure other people's needs are being attended to before myself, but i think that's enough really.
i felt being treated like crap. like a trash where they used you & throw you away.

i'll make sure i score well in my studies & nothing else shall come before my studies for the time being. i wana be the reason my mum shed her tears saying she's so proud of what i have achieved and yet to achieve in life.

setbacks build me up somehow.

dear diary,
thank you, really.
i feel so much better now.
xoxo