i realized i always have trouble getting started..
of how to start, where to begin with and what to write.

I'd changed to art stream couple of weeks ago.

i think i'm still having difficulties mixing with my new classmates. i don't know what's holding me back, but i just don't seem to be enjoying myself like i used to with my former classmates. all the fun and jokes we cracked, i don't get all these now.

i understand that i'm the one asking for it.

the people all are superb nice, to be honest. they're just too nice.

the problem is with me.

i've changed into a person i have never seen before. im a cow now. someone who's so serious all the time. (or maybe not.. only my illusion i guess) in fact, i was kinda shocked with the changes in me.

"Suk Wai, getting serious?"

i couldn't quite believe myself.

i have to accept the fact that all my close friends are separated far from me. in class, i don't know why but i don't feel like talking to anyone. all i wanted is; leave me alone.

but good thing is, i finally know how does it feel like once again to pay fully concentration in class which i hardly get this when i'm with friends.

life has taken its toll on me.

i used to have a bunch of friends hanging around all the time. at one point, i did not even know how it felt like if i don't have a friend at all.

but now in form six, all my best friends already left for college and my close friends, all are just too far away from me. sometimes, i feel empty. it is as if i've been chucked into an island, and i'm the only survivor. no friends. no accompanies. i feel pretty dumb about it because i have just noticed that i'm afraid of being alone. i hate the feeling where you want to do something, but just because you have no one to stand by you, you give up on it. being afraid you'll be laughed at.

whaddashit.

slowly, i'm learning. at the end of the day, i know i'll get back into the rhythm and have a good time interacting with them. it's all about the right timing now.

everything happened for a reason. i'm just so glad that all these happened. if it doesn't, i don't know what's going to happen. not only i'll get crappier, but my future will be at stake! haha

and i'm having trauma with this particular person. whenever i see him, if possible i just want to run away. never once in my lifetime have i encountered such a person where there's no smiley expression on his face. it's scarry. maybe just that i think he might need to exercise the muscles on his face, who knows aite it got cramps or something.

god forbid!

but i'm so ashamed of myself. when given a responsibility, i failed in my task. i failed to carry out even a simple task.

i hate myself for most of the things i've done for it wasn't appropriate at all. wrong action. wrong timing.

shoot.

i forgotten what to write.

You were not born a winner, and you were not born a loser. You are what you make yourself be.

- Lou Holtz