Battle against Myself

hello it's me again.

this is my new post for the day & i'm gonna confess it all out.

oh btw, today is my off day. yeah. getting my rest through the method i didn't quite agree with & not happy about, but it has already happened.

so just allow me to type according to what i feel now.

it's 4.18pm right now & yesterday i had the worst night for this new year.

it was my full shift yesterday, 10am to 10pm.

like it's not my worse day yet, i had to stand from 10 to 10 cos you see, when i asked my colleague if i'm allowed to sit. she said yes. of cos you would be desperate to sit while packing & putting labels to the new watches, shades & wallets. but as you turned around seeing your other colleagues were standing as well but u were sitting, guilt's kicked in & you started feeling bad. maybe it's me. i don't know.

not much of a problem to deal with customers cos i'm getting used to it already. every day without failed, i'm repeating more or less the same sentences like "it's 100% leather & all these are new arrivals" or something like "we have 2yrs international warranty or bla blaa. work is mundane. but i'm getting better in my conversation with the customers. despite all that, my leg is giving me problem. i couldn't stand for long you see & when i do; it's either cramping or having ants biting my leg- that kinda feeling. in short, my leg feels numb & pain.

so maybe i pushed my leg to its maximum yesterday & it even rushed to my neck & shoulder.
and these few nights, that particular left leg of mine couldn't get rid of that ants biting sensation even at night. so i got freaked out & finally i told Patrick i really needed a rest but how? after all is said & planned, i called the Supervisor & requested for one day off, but she has got her every reason to explain to me why i can't off within these 3 days except if the manager or whoever it is came to visit our outlet & the next day i'm allowed to rest. reasonable. but when i asked her the exact date she couldn't answer me & kept telling me the same bull story. i did not know what else to say. i just kept thinking to myself why is it that everyone is allowed to take leave for 2days or 5days, but me gotta work 12 days continuously without a day off at all though i know it's only 2 days of full shift & the rest is shifts. and yes i do know that i'm a new part timer, but i do understand that i have my rights to rest as well except that if i'm willing & can do it. but now i know i can't, so is that too much to ask for? don't tell me i'm weak cos i know where i stand.

when i came back from Sabah, i thought i could handle this & in fact wanted to have more full shifts so that i can buy my Macbook earlier.

but after 5days of work, my body is sending me signal that i can't earn this sum of money though i really wanted to. & i thought to myself, yes it's true. so true that if i keep pushing myself to it's limit without taking care what the signals have been sent to me. one day i'm so gonna regret for the rest of my life knowing that i could no longer walk but to sit in the wheelchair. maybe i'm over exaggerating it right now or it's too far fetch to think about it right now. but it makes every sense. it's my own health after all. no ones gonna be bothered but myself.

& so as usual i failed to convince the Supervisor & wanted to cry already when Patrick grabbed my phone & speak to her instead. i didn't know what happened next, cos my mind was empty & i was so scared. but after all is said & done, i'm glad that he did help me to solve the problem but then part of me hated how it was solved. i felt so weak & useless cos simple thing like this i could not handle it & needed somebody to help me. so the drama continued & i couldn't help but to shiver & kept cursing myself.

i never knew i had so much tears & it just wouldn't stop flowing. that night on, i realized i'm not as strong as i always thought i was all this while. i felt weak. so fucking weak in this sense. once i took this step, i should have expected already the outcomes. but i'm afraid. i'm afraid to face the music, to confront them & tell em' what i think is right. but i cared too much what they gonna think or say about me though i kept telling myself what they gonna react is none of my business. they are only my colleagues, not my family. but i cared. so fcuking miserable.

& i have expected already i'm losing this job based on what has happened. but both my sister & Patrick kept telling me that if i really wanna learn, i've gotta be thick skinned & get back to work after informing them in one week advance that i'm quitting since my body does not fit for that job, instead of running away from problem. but you know, no matter how much i hated the latter option, i would still prefer running away cos that's the easiest way out. i hate having to be insulted or to hear bad remarks about myself, cos i know how bad it hurts. but as i said, maybe it's time to really get out of my cocoon & learn to face the society. sighs. so much of growing up. fcuk it.

tell me what i should do?

besides praying, i do not know what's my next step yet. but somehow in a way, He spoke to me indirectly when i was surfing the net tryna get inspired. LOL

so this is what He said to me.. indirectly.. at least for me;)
We do not go to work only to earn an income, but to find meaning in our lives. What we do is a large part of what we are.

and this is from facebook. ahahah

On this day, God wants you to know...

... that difficult people are very important, - they teach you tolerance and acceptance. If all was going your way all the time, you would become a spoiled child, wouldn't everyone? Difficult people are just one of the ways God teaches us to expand beyond our egos and accept other perspectives on life.


p/s: Sorry for the inappropriate usage of language.