wow.
i couldn't stop smiling before the clock even strikes 12.
10 minutes before 12, i received a phone call from Caryn. she wasn't even saying hello.. she sang me a birthday song, how sweet is that?
i was on cloud nine already. she's just superb. i'm not saying this just because she remembered my birthday, but she has been such a great friend to me all these years.
later was bombarded with hell lotsa birthday wishes.
suddenly i feel.. wow, although i hardly have time for my old friends now, but i'm stil being remembered and cared by so many people. at one point, i even thank god for giving me such a beautiful life xD
even those people i never expected them to stay wide awake at 12am sharp just to wish me on my birthday. i feel really blessed.
even in school, wherever i go, people came to me and say happy birthday.
i feel like a superstar for a day suddenly.
and ai yean came all the way back to school just for me.. she made me go speechless. i really appreciate that.
everyday is just the same for me actually..
maybe i'll continue later.
so far today has been a great day for myself.
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i'm pretty disappointed.. i don't know why i even feel it this way, but i'm rather sad right now actually.
it's not that because my family they forgotten my birthday, in fact they wished me in a funny way. LOL
what a big deal anyway?
but what i want is to actually spend more time with them,
whether if it's just for today or any other day.
ever since young, i always wanted much attention from them.
i wished they could spend more time at home, as simple as that.
is it too much to ask for?
it's really funny to say this, but i have to admit.
i don't receive sufficient love from my parents ever since young though i know i shouldn't have asked more.
should i put the word desperate to describe myself?
i'm desperate for love to be precise. haha.
how i wished my dad is still here though he's a real bastard?
how i wished my sister ain't in japan, but staying with us?
how i wished my mum don't always sweat over small stuff?
how i wished my brother stop wasting his life, allowing precious time to pass him by?
how i wished every time i'm back home, i'll see all of them?
how i wished i have a father, a mother living happily ever after?
how i wished that day didn't even exist?
how i wished...
every time i think about it, it brought tears.
not tears of happiness, but tears of sorrow.
if only you know how much you hurt us the day you decided to leave us?
if only you cared about us anymore?
sometimes, i do wonder..
what will happen today if dad decided not to cheat on mum?
what will happen today if mum decided not to be cheated by dad?
what will happen today, to us?
will we be who we are today?
will we be where we are now?
if it's not because of him, mum wouldn't have to suffer so much.
if it's not because of him, my sister wouldn't even have to carry this burden on behalf of him.
if it's not because of him, my brother wouldn't be wasting his time still waiting.
if it's not because of him, i would have pursued the course that i wanted.
we wouldn't be stucked here still.
but...
if it's not because of him, i wouldn't know the value of a family
if it's not because of him, i would have still be the selfish me thinking that i always get what i want.
if it's not because of him, i wouldn't know how to appreciate people around me, and would have taken them for granted. how fragile it can be, they can disappeared within a second.
if it's not because of him, i wouldn't be who i am today, being such a monkie.
omg. i shouldn't be thinking too much right now.
it makes me cry.
the only thing i'm really happy about right now, despite all the sick feeling i'm having is that god answered my prayers.
He knows how much i love the rain.
and i thank you for pouring it all now.
rain as heavily as you can please.
please wash away my tears, my sanity.
allow me to be insane. LOL